14 comments (+ Add)
Sharing the Final 10%
In my own life, sharing the first 90% of my heart is the easiest. The first 90% rarely takes any risk.
When it comes to developing intimacy, it usually happens when I share the final 10%. (The final 10% often consists of some combination of my fears, insecurities, doubts, and weaknesses.)
Most likely, like you, I’ve been burned after sharing the final 10%. Because of my hurts, for too long I kept the final 10% to myself.
Looking back, it is amazing how much this barrier limited my relationships.
Now, I’m blessed to share the final 10% with many people. It is in final 10% I find the most healing, intimacy, and trust.
How about you?
Visit 
Sharing the final 10% with whom? People from your small group? Your board? An accountability partner? These are questions I have had to ask myself. How about sharing only 5 of the last 10%…..now that I can do. Great Post.
So all in all the finally 10% is the “real you.” Not the one so many see but the one that only a select few see and know? Talk about finding someone you can trust! Or am I missing your point?
We had an occasion in our elder context to share the last 10%. It was freeing. I think the two pastors among the elders being that transparent and open in the last 10% gave permission for other elders to do the same.
Our meetings are much more productive and fulfilling.
Blessings,
Dave
Ouch! You hit a cord. I just got a glance in the mirror of truth…I can give and want to give all to people who are suffering or in need. I truly WANT to be there. I can give all when I talk about God and talk about God’s word. I cannot get enough. But when it comes to me TRUSTING Christians with MY heart…. I am cautious. I have been burned SO badly in my past at an old church. I have become very cautious as to whom and what I ALLOW to speak into my life.(Legalism vs.God’s Truth).
My blessing is God has been opening my heart slowly and I am changing. I am getting closer to a great group of imperfect(love that they think this way) people and we are growing and going out. My prayer is that one day I will just throw my heart out there with no fear.
How did you overcome the barrier of releasing that last 10% of You? Did YOU do something or was it just God changing you?
Would I be correct in saying how we share that final 10% will be different in each context? When I teach, when I share in my group, when I talk to another pastor, when I talk to my wife. I think the level of intimacy dictates how you share the last 10% not whether or not you do. Any thoughts on this?
Then what? I mean after you drop that last 10% what is the next step? How do you not only nurture your heart but the heart of the person who now has access to your heart. What if your recipient does not share the same level of intimacy with you and they turn from you because that level of truth and understanding is hard for them. There must be a equal openness to create a relationship in which both are comfortable or uncomfortable to grow.
Honestly, I have yet to find that although I seek authenticity like air, I seem to finding false faith.
I agree with Brandon, we share differently in different contexts.
This post is dead on. A little over a year ago my wife found out that I had been looking at pornography. When that happened, I admitted it and have experienced amazing healing and forgiveness from God and from her since that time. With the help of God, a few really good mentors, and several books, I no longer struggle with pornography today. That’s the background story. Getting that far with my wife was the 90%. What I didn’t tell her at the time was that I had struggled off and on with pornography from the time I was very young until last year when everything hit the fan. Our marriage is approaching double digits in years and so pornography had been a problem for me long before we were married and for many years during our marriage. I just recently I told her the last 10% and I can tell that this last 10% is going to be a lot more difficult than the first 90%. All of those feelings of betrayal and hurt are back for her. She feels lied to and had no idea that I had ever really looked at porn before the incident a year ago. I’m still not sure how I failed to communicate that to her at the time either but apparently I did. So here I am living in the miserable reality of sharing the last 10%. I believe that God can bring amazing healing and forgiveness once again, but it’s hard to see that when my wife feels betrayed and isn’t speaking to me right now. It’s really hard because I’m a different person today and God has taken away my struggle with pornography. I never would have been as honest with her before as I was just recently, but for her it doesn’t matter. What matters to her is that I struggled with it for many years during our marriage without ever mentioning it. She’s completely justified in her feelings and response right now. I really just don’t know where to go from here or what to do to restore our relationship. I’m afraid that she’ll leave me. I’m afraid our relationship will never be restored to what it once was. I’m afraid that she’ll never have peace in her heart about our marriage for the rest of our life. I’m afraid that because my sin was sexual sin that she somehow feels like she is responsible for it. I’m afraid of the damage I’ve done to her heart. She has always struggled with feelings of inadequacy and I’m afraid that this is only going to make that problem worse for her. Part of me feels like whatever happens now is a deserved consequence for my years of secret sin in this area of my life. Do I feel relieved at sharing the last 10%? Yes. Has that made everything better for us? Not even close. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her. I don’t know at this point. I hesitate to even post this comment for fear that she’ll see it and how she’ll respond to me sharing it with so many on here.
Sam, I am praying for you and your marriage as I type this. I know others will as well.
Brandon, Yes, I think we will share with different people in different contexts in different ways.
Travis, you were asking about the “who.” My circle continues to grow larger. Rather than a trusted few, it has grown to a trusted many. I’ve even felt freer to share deeper struggles with the whole church. There is obvious risk, but also great potential returns.
Sharing that final 10% can be really hard, painful and full of shame. I don’t know if I have share my final 10%. I think I haven’t.
I can only agree that sharing your final 10% related to intimate topics, is definitely worth it. Indeed, there are different ‘levels’ of intimacy, and with different people you might talk differently. I think the question is rather if we are willing to share it at all, than how far we must go and with who. We must go all the way.
James 5:13 really encourages us to share our difficulties, our sins, and to pray for each other. It is about dying to yourself and giving God all the glory. Because He will use you, He will heal you. No doubt. You don’t need to write it on the city walls, a true brother or someone else in church will be the right one.
Hebrews 12:1-13 is the final encouragement for me to do so. Sharp as a knive.
As well I want to express my appreciation for everyone on this blog and the people behind it, it is great to be encouraged and sharpened daily in a practical way, even in Europe ;-). God bless.
Divulging details about my life is not something I find hard to do, even to a fault. One reason why I share about myself is because there is a trust that God will use my sharing in some positive way, I suppose I don’t really see the consequences of sharing, or if I do I’m not deterred by them. Of course as Ecc 3:1 says there is a time for everything, a time to speak and a time to keep silent and I’m trying to gain discernment about which time is which, but for the most part I don’t see the harm in sharing.
Sam.
Last year I had to share my 10%. I’ve struggled with porn from 8 or 9 years old (I’m 32 now). More than 20 years with that and more than 10 years asking God to do something. Finally, last year the bottom fell. I harm my wife, my sister in law, my mother in law and my father’s church. The confession opened the door for the healing because everyone forgave me, including my wife. But the truth is that the trust doesn’t get back easy. I still struggle with that, for example, I can’t stay alone late at night with a TV near because ‘it’ calls me. I’ve learned to get myself out of risk but it is hard. I’m not totally ‘healed’, I know, but I’m on my way.
My wife is really ok now, but she’s always alert, praying for me, not letting me get into risk situations, etc.
It is really hard brother. I’m praying for your home. God can heal anything and you know it, but it is not automatically. It takes time and effort. You’re not alone in this, I can tell you that much!
And even though this time is really hard, brother, I can tell you now that the best way to defeat secret sin is taking them out of the secret safety zone.
If I can help you in any way, this is my email: iglesiah3o@yahoo.com
Love and peace, brother!
We have all admitted that the last 10 percent is difficult to share. The question I ask myself is “WHY?” I do wonder if it is because we may be too worried of looking like a failure. I wonder if we are concerned of being disqualified as a spiritual leader. I wonder if we are so concerned with how people will look at us when we become transparent. Man, this is a wake up call. How many men and women are there. How many are out there just waiting for someone to just get up there and begin speaking the whole truth so all can come out?
My friend was at a church service in Dayton, Ohio and the sermon was about confessing their sins. The pastor thought he was going to get people coming forward speaking of how they were slack on quiet times lately. They were surprised that the Holy Spirit started something rather unbelievable. The first guy came up and said, “I have been struggling with homosexuality for a long time and I don’t know why I cannot kick it.” This led to others coming forward like a husband who brought up his wife and wept as he admitted, “I beat my wife and I don’t want to do it anymore.” It was an amazing service and people walked out amazed by God’s grace. I am sure there were a few people that left church that day and commented in a judgmental way of those who confessed. For the most part, people praised God for his grace and mercy.
Maybe what can free us from our fear of sharing our 10 percent is wondering or knowing that it may expose our failures, but shine brighter on God’s mercy and grace. What if it takes us to admit first for others to come out and be free? What if what we think is the most unlikely information about us is the thing God wants to use the most? It is not unlike our God is it?
To:Sam
I hope that you get a chance to read this, my husband just admitted to me that he struggled and fell into the addiction to pornography and believe me that I did have a lot of negative thoughts going through my head about if he felt like I was not good enough and that sort of thing, but what helped me the most was strengthening my relationship with Jesus because her self worth can not be based on her relationship with you, it must be based on her relationship with Jesus and how He views her as loved and cherished, I don’t have the quick fix advice but if there is any way for you to help her and the relationship it’s to find a way to seek God and His healing each personally and together as husband and wife. Let me tell you that I love my husband and deeply and struggle to keep God first in my life b/c I love my husband that much and I have forgiven him and after seven years of marriage the past month has been the most intimate. And that might sound sad to you but I’m never been happier in my life. Hope that helps.