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Life in the Fishbowl
Those who are not in vocational ministry may not understand this week’s discussion. (Even when I was an associate pastor, I didn’t fully understand the public pressure my pastor’s family faced.)
Right or wrong, when you’re a pastor, people’s expectations of you change.
- Some believe you are holier than you could humanly achieve. Others are skeptical, secretly hoping you’ll fail.
- Some sincerely hope your family is materially blessed. Others think your family should barely be above the poverty line.
- Many will have very high expectations of your kids. Some will privately (or publicly) gloat when your kids fail.
- Some people will want to be close to you simply because you’re a pastor. Others will be too nervous to be themselves around you.
- Some will extend irrational love toward you and your family. Others will be easily offended (and dislike you) over something you would consider a minor misunderstanding.
- Some will almost worship you (even though you don’t want it). Many of those same people will leave your church before the end of this year.
- The joy of intimate Christian relationships for pastors couldn’t be greater. The pain and loss of broken relationships will haunt you throughout your ministry.
The life of a pastor isn’t better or worse than others. But it is different. This week we’ll talk about how to handle some of those differences.
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Craig, this sounds like it is gonna be a phenomenal discussion. Looking forward to it!!
Tremendous post. So true. It is amazing. Sometimes it’s hard to fight against these faulty thinkings in people. Can’t wait to see your future posts on this. Thanks.
Great read…I connected with a number of them. I think the relationship one the most.
Another one I face: some people think you do very little all week and just show up on Sunday morning to speak.
I relate to each one of those points Craig, but to open up the discussion on how to handle these realities should be a good and healthy excercise, of course, I could easily be wrong. The answer to me for any relationship has always been, it takes real and usually prolonged contact to develop any meaningful relationship. As a pastor because of all the things you mentioned that can be tough to find, but they usually develop in some common interest of somekind, at least that’s how they developed for me. The best longest lasting relationship usually had a common interest attached to it and oten time it didn’t have much to do with church, but would usually lead there after a relationship was built. There have been exceptions within the church community, but it was usually developed around a cause of some kind, that someone felt few cared about, so you roll up your sleeves and join them. From there it can grow into more. That’s what my experience has been anyway. When soemone sees you in other than the “Pastor” setting it seems to open up for deeper contact, weird, strange, but real anyway.
And let’s not forget that there are pastors who choose to be “beheld” at a different level. One of my greatest obstacles was a leader who placed himself as an untouchable. Until he failed morally taking down many with his fall. It was his choice to live in a deception bubble without accountability or personal transparency. No one forced it on him. That is a big reason for my love and connection to my pastor now. He is a guy. A guy that Gid has used in amazing ways in my life and the kingdom–but still a guy.
Wow Craig have you been talking to someone from my church? My experience has given me a passion and burden for leaders. I want to pastor, pastors. Ministry can be a very isolated, lonley place. I feel for the wives and children of ministers too. It seems so many ministers drop out not because of calling or gifting, but lack of support. What a sad thing when a minister’s God-dream is aborted.
I”m looking forward to the rest this week of posts, Craig. I’ve been guilty of doing what you are describing myself.
Living this right now. One of the things that bothers me the most, is that although I want to be a model of godliness, compassion, and commitment to my church, it amazes me how people (church board?) will hold me to a standard that they don’t (won’t) in a million years try to live up to themselves. The hypocrisy makes me sick to my stomach.
Craig,
Have you found that people outside the “church” treat pastors nicer than their own congregation? I often found that to be true.
Pastor+Different=Yes!
This will be a big help to many of our Network pastors. Can’t wait to read this week’s posts.
when i got to the part about the worshipers leaving before the end of the year i was hooked. keep it coming…
I’m not a senior pastor but I can certainly see how all of these have been fulfilled in my life as a Worship Pastor. Particularly the last one has been really hurtful for me. I’ve wondered if I could actually stay in ministry and end up with any friends at all. It’s been lonelier than I could have ever imagined and that has been a big disillusionment to me about the church at large.
As I told a friend who did not understand - “It might not be right for me to be lonely while in ministry, but it is true.”
wow. the discussion hasn’t even started and i’m breathing a sigh of relief.
I’ll comment more specifically when I have more time later this morning.
I’d love to hear from you all which of these you’ve experienced.
What differences am I overlooking?
Looking forward to this week’s discussion. I think we as pastors can also have unrealistic, projected expectations of ourselves.
An interesting phenomena. I was taking a class at a hospital for congregational care. I like to dress like everyone else in a casual way. One day I had a funeral before the class and everyone–they were all pastors–treated me differently. They all commented how I was more “pastoral” today. The only thing that changed was what I was wearing. I hate it when people are fake but even more when other pastors treat you different when you meet their prescribed idea of what a “pastor” is and none of it was Biblical.
SAW, You are right. Some pastors do want to be treated much differently.
Steve, So glad to hear you want to pastor pastors.
Kevin, Sometimes I’ve noticed that.
Dear Craig,
I look forward to reading this series, I am not a minister yet but I know in the future I will serve in that capacity and it will be great to know what to expect.
My wife took some of our ladies to a retreat. She had our son (who was a nursing infant) with them. She made a point not to let him be a distraction to the ladies and would keep him out in the lobby during sessions. During devo time she would take our son back to the room for a nap. We had 3 out of 10 ladies who went quit the church because my wife was unfriendly, standoffish,and wouldn’t spend all day hanging out with them.They refused to see anything that my wife did that weekend was for their benefit. I would rather be hurt than see my wife and kids hurt in ministry.
Awesome post, our Lead Pastor, Troy Gramling did an incredible series in 2007 that really opened us ALL up to that whole topic, also to be authentic.
http://www.mynakedpastor.com Check it out…
I can relate to all of them - and more - how about the pastor’s wife (since that’s what I am!). I so can relate to what Steve just posted - been there, experienced that! At our first interview (MANY years ago), the board chairman looked at me, and asked, “So, do you play the piano? Can you teach Sunday School? Will you be able to lead the women’s Bible study?” I was speechless! I was a young (20-something), newly married (3 weeks!)pastor’s wife who had no idea what my role should be! However, almost 30 years later, I can say, I wouldn’t trade being a pastor’s wife for anything!
And all the pastors say…..’AMEN’. :)
I understand this one better than I want to admit. I am one of “THOSE” divorce pastors who is remarried. I still carry the scar of my past when looking at moving into full-time paid ministry- it is normally not the congregation that has a problem but other ministers.
My wife who is a gift from God and has to endure much more than me in this matter because so many judge us for being open about our past and saying that divorced people can find love again. So many people want to see failure because in their minds it justifies their life style. I just read a book on Augustine, Luther and Calvin - One had a lust issues, one had a potty mouth and one over judged. I believe it was their human side is what reached out and allowed the Holy Spirit to touch others. But they also had to live in a fishbowl
So Craig….how do we show the fact we are called into ministry and most of the time our faults are our strongest ministry tools?
Keep it coming
[...] Great post for guys in ministry from Craig [...]
I was one of those pastor’s kids… first an Army Chaplain’s kid then, when he retired from the military, a pastor’s kid. And boy did I give them things to gloat about! Those times, when your kids prove they are human, shine a light on the real friendships.
Holy Moly…this should be interesting…
I’d have to say that as a young pastor, I have fallen into a weird worship-type attitude of other pastors…thank the LORD he brought me outta it! Boy, that was dangerous.
I have personally noticed people looking at me differently and it is extremely awkward (although I think it is a natural tendency to look up to a spiritual leader…which can lead to wanting to be around them more…which can lead to awkwardness).
One thing I hate though is when people act differently around me than they do around others…or when they completely just abandon our relationship because they know I’m a pastor. I must just need to convey more that I’m not going to judge them. That’s what I hate! When people automatically assume I’m going to be judgmental!
I guess I just have to prove them wrong.
That’s my inside’s two cents haha. Excited about these posts! Great long distance mentoring tool!
I see these treatments as well. I’m not a pastor, I feel called to it one day (after college,) I’ve noticed when you take a stand for Christ on a daily basis, with life decisions– even small ones – people look at you differently. Mediocre Christians, Sunday Christians, Practical Atheists (as recently discussed) all view the true disciple as a holier than thou or as above mentioned in the original blog post…
Maybe its because I am in the “bible belt,” of the south east, do you guys see that in Oklahoma?
It’s really hard (helpful, but hard) to know everyone is sitting ready to judge you hardcore if you mess up…and that can lead to keeping dark problems and secrets…dark. Expectations can be sky high too. This all leads to…pressure!
Again, excited for the rest of the posts!
And those are all the reasons we pray for you pastors constantly.
Ryan, yes I do.
And thank you Robin!
Well Pam…I can beat your interview!…the “Deacons” asked me if I BELIEVED IN GOING TO CHURCH….I will nevahhhhh forget that…found out that most Pastor’s wife in the city would just stay home lol…
My senior pastor has commented several times in the past about how ridiculous it is that everyone seems to think he’s always thinking about them - or that he should supernaturally KNOW when they’re having problems or need prayer, etc. It’s weird.
I’d add another one as a student ministry leader: Some parents think it’s my job - not theirs - to disciple their children (in three hours/week).
As a Pastor’s wife (and a PK for that matter) I chose to title my blog “life in a fish bowl”. If it’s all about authenticity then I’m willing to live this life in a fishbowl. Not jumping out anytime soon! Thanks for this post.
so true…throw on top of that, being a young, single student minister, and the expectations get incredibly high (and at times, incredibly weird).
interesting to know if there are any other SINGLE pastors out there, and what the expectations are that differ from married co-workers.
Craig I so appreciate what you are saying. I am a pastor’s wife (Steve who posted earlier about the Women’s Retreat story is my husband). I have experienced so many of the things you have listed and have certainly felt and am still feeling the loneliness of ministry. I am looking forward to the rest of the series as well as comments as on how to deal with all of the issues mentioned. Thanks for tackling this topic!
Very true…
I even remember meeting you a couple of times as a fairly new Christian, went through “Preaching for Dummies”, and we even had a lot of the same friends but I was too nervous to really talk to you…
This has to be hard for pastors to build relationships… thanks for the perspective, and context of the upcoming week…
Thank you for your insight in this… I’ve been in ministry now for two years, and I have experienced some of what you are talking about. It hurts more than I thought it could… I’m anxious to hear more.
Craig, I value your leadership and look forward to hearing your wisdom. I have personally experienced, like many others, almost everyone of the things you mentioned. Thanks for being so direct…pastors and layman both need to hear this stuff.
Hi Craig, great post. Looking forward to reading more on this topic. It seems walking through the minefield of all these relationships is never ending/never changing. Can’t wait to hear your tips.
Not that I have mastered this yet, but I think having/fostering great friends outside your congregation is essential to our survival. Would be great if they were in our church too though :)
Did you hit the nail on the head or what?
Guess you’ve had some experience with this, huh? :)
Craig, thank you for covering this topic. I was a volunteer for about 10 years before being hired as a youth pastor. One of the things that I have noticed in my life is that I have people who I minister to and people who I minister with, but I really have no “friends”. I thank God for those people and I thank Him even more so for my family…but there are times when I wish I just had a good friend to talk to…
Great Post! Thanks for all your insight. Busting out of that fishbowl is something that is not always comfortable, but necessary if we want to grow. I expound on this issue a bit here in an article called “Swimming with the sharks.”
I recently ended a dating relationship with a pastor. We are both divorced, his divorce being much more recent than mine. We met on Christiancafe.com, and when I started talking with him, a red flag started waving, because his divorce was final just three months prior to us meeting. We both have children, mine is five, and his are twelve and thirteen. We agreed that we would not meet each other’s kids, until it looked like it was getting serious. Problem was, we took it to an exclusive level right off the bat - within a month of meeting - he wanted me to be his “girlfriend” and wanted to be my “boyfriend.” I saw nothing wrong with dating him exclusively.
However, he was reluctant to introduce me to anyone in his life. He did not tell his friends, or people at church that he had a new “companion”, “girlfriend”, “significant other”, whatever you want to call it. He feared what his congregation might think. He feared what his elders might think. He was afraid to be judged, criticized and admonished. I was never invited to visit his church services. I never got to hear any of his sermons. I started to feel like some kind of secret. Maybe I was not good enough? I wasn’t sure. When I asked him if he ever mentioned me to anyone, he would say, “I’m not going to get up in front of everyone and talk about you from the pulpit.” I never wanted that. I only wanted to be included in his life, especially if I was indeed his “girlfriend.” So, were my expectations totally unrealistic? Out of my own hurt and frustration, I ended up pushing him away, and the relationship died in a matter of six months.