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The People Pleasing Pastor
If we’re not careful, we might ask the wrong questions.
- Did you like my sermon?
- Do I have enough funny stories in this message?
- Did I do a good job at the funeral? Did they like it?
- Do the people think I’m a good pastor?
The focus of these questions is “me” instead of “God.”
Without knowing it, our best intentions of pleasing God in ministry become clouded and we become people pleasers.
I try to remind myself…
“Becoming obsessed with what people think about me is the quickest way to forget what God thinks about me.”
I like what Paul said in Galatians 1:10:“Obviously, I’m not trying to be a people pleaser! No, I am trying to please God. If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant.” (NLT)
How are you overcoming “pastoral people pleasing” tendencies?
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I know it may sound crazy, but I stopped asking people what they thought of the message. Like you said above I realized that I was starting to care more about what people thought of my speaking ability instead of what God was saying to them.
I’m a recovering approval addict. I still like to get kudos and don’t mind an atta girl from time to time, but I don’t expect them either. It still bothers me when I know someone doesn’t like me or agree with me, but I don’t let it sway me from staying the course.
As cheesy and churchy as this may sound, I really try to seek after the approval of One. I also remind myself that not everyone will agree with me and that it doesn’t make me less of a Christ Follower when someone more “spiritual” than me thinks otherwise.
How do I overcome tendencies? Quickly! If I focus too long on approval…I will stay there MUCH longer than I should. I admit…I liked to be liked (don’t we all!) but I have realized through life, that there are just people that love to “not like me” and I CANNOT change that…Oh..well! So, I just need to be me ( quirky) regardless!
The truth is…some people drive me nuts too…clash of personalities.
Research says that 10% (maybe more) will NEVER like you or me no matter what we do, so we need to “Get the Hook!”; stop the “DOG and PONY show!” of Making people like us and focus more on getting to LIKE what God made UNIQUE in each of us and thank Him!
I realized this year that I had become an approval addict. I had to break myself of this and just let it all roll off my back by seeking God more and people less. I realized that some of what God is calling me to will make some people really uncomfortable and I needed to lead out of the peace of God and nothing else. I am very relationally oriented so this is truly difficult for me. I like everyone to be happy! Being in ministry has been hard on some of my friendships for obvious reasons. The lines are mushy. Friends will get upset over something I do as a leader and that just plain hurts and feeds into that approval addiction. I want to be liked and I want people to think I’m doing a good job. I think much of this was born out of my own insecurities and I am working on that too! It’s hard.
being young and brand new at speaking to people on a weekly basis - i ask the people around me (volunteers, intern, and (most importantly) my wife) about how i did. but it isn’t so that people will like me as much as - me wanting to be sure that i am clearly communicating. i want students to understand the beauty of Christ.
i guess my struggle is a balance between seeking criticism versus seeking approval. (if that makes sense)
I agree, but I have a question about starting ministries that people are passionate about.
What do you with someone who wants to start a ministry - let’s to men - and paints with a name and activities. You feel that the purpose it good, the general direction is ok, BUT you don’t want to see it become a ‘program’ or ‘ministry’; you want to communicate the good part their desire, but point them in the direction away from formula’s and mrograms that have to be sustained. You also don’t want to snuff their desire.
Any thoughts?
It’s tough to find the balance between being teachable, approachable, desirous of constructive feedback; and then focusing on Christ and His plans for using me rather than the plans and opinions of others. I suspect that the process of maintaining that balance will not be a one time shot, rather, revisited periodically. Here’s to growing and living!
(I wrote my own confession about it here: http://www.lifevesting.com/blog/2008/06/24/from-pleaser-to-lifevestor/)
One help is to find those trusted people who “love you, but aren’t impressed by you.” People who will help you line your message after the fact beside the intentions of your message BEFORE the fact. Even if people “liked” or “enjoyed” it (what the heck does that even mean?), did it accomplish its purpose? I think it’s also important to keep some pretty important perspective biblically, from both sides. Ideas like:
-one of the most successful messages ever preached was by a jackass.
-the greatest preacher outside of Christ Himself had somebody go to sleep on him (and nearly die).
-that same greatest preacher had one key message - Christ and Him crucified.
Picture these guys asking, “Did you like the message?”
-Isaiah was sawn in half.
-Jeremiah was a crybaby.
-Ezekiel was just plain wierd.
-Daniel was the guy who was so disciplined and blessed, everybody was jealous of him.
(And those are just the megachurch prophets!
It’s all about perspective. Probably as important to have some people around to encourage you when you feel like you’ve blown it.
I am praising God for this post because it has confirmed that this is me. This past weekend my wife was mentioning that I try and please people too much, in fact I shouldn’t be doing it all. As a young and new guy to the ministry who works with college students (many are close to my age) I have no confidence! Especially in my speaking. So God is working on me big time!
I to have been working through this problem. I’m the type of guy who wants everybody to like me and try to please the people. I am in the process of moving past this, but it is a difficult one. Two things have helped me. 1. It’s not my purpose to please everybody, but to do what is best for the church as a whole. 2. If people are attending because “I” make them happy, its likely they will stop attending if “I” upset them. I am trying to do my best, and what I believe God has called me to and leave it up to him.
This is a real struggle. I want to please God but I find myself wanting to please people. How do I overcome it? I bite my tongue and if someone says something to me I say “Thanks”. I must admit I still ask my wife her thoughts because I know she will be brutally honest with me. I have to say that my tongue does have tons of holes in it though.
This definitely defines me. My wife tells me I have OCD/Perfectionist/People Pleaser issues quite often. I think it comes from the typical “first born” mold.
I think the best solution for me was when I actually went through a few situations of not pleasing a group of people. It definitely tore me up, and I still struggle at times on those past situations. However, it really made me refocus my intentions in the ministry. When it came down to really coming to grips with these situations, I had to ask myself a few questions. Did I do my best? Did I seek God in this situation? Was this the direction I felt God leading me, or were my own intentions involved? The bottom line was, I gave my best efforts, I did feel God leading me, and it was to further the development of Christ’s Kingdom. So no matter how bad it hurt not to please everyone, I knew I did what I was supposed to do, and what God was leading me to do in the ministry. Those simple questions were my first steps to getting over the hill of heartache.
I can’t remember where I got this, but this is similar to some previous posts. Something I also did was I focused on becoming better instead of becoming bitter. We have two words that are polar opposites, and are only separated by two letters. If I would have continued to focus on the “I” in my life, and focused so much on a pity party that was all about me..I would continue to become bitter in my ministry/life in general. However, if I focus on the “E”, I focus on Emmanuel (God is with us), and my ministry becomes focused on an Audience of One. (Good song by Big Daddy Weave, by the way) By stepping back and refocusing my ministry even more on Emmanuel, I become better. A better minister, a better follower of Christ, a better servant, and a better leader.
You know as a music pastor I have the delight of hearing comments about music whether they be uplifting or critical. I have to be careful to not allow those comments and pressures to decide what music to pick and learn and practice for our services because I will fall into the role of a pleasing people pastor. One realization and answer from God was given to me a few months ago when I felt God telling me to just do the music that he lays on my heart to do. Don’t worry about what others may say or upsetting those who want “their hymn” or “their song”.
We lose sight of our calling once we give way to the pressures of pleasing people.
I had a professor in Bible School who got on us about people pleasing, he drilled into my head, “No matter what you do in ministry, ask ‘God are you pleased with what I just did?’if HE is good with it it shouldn’t matter what people say.” I have tried to live by that, some days I do better than others.
If we seek to please people we will accomplish very little, we loose focus, our energies get spread too thin. When we seek to please God we have an audience of one and we can have laser like focus and that is way more powerful and effective.
Thanks for posting this. It is so timely in my life (and by the comments, several others’ lives as well).
Just yesterday, I finished a ‘candidating weekend’ to go on staff with my church as an associate pastor, and it was nothing but answering questions for three days.
At the end of that experience, I could hardly think of the people in the church without wondering “are they going to vote me in?” “Do they like me?” “What can I do to make them like me more?” and realized at the close of the weekend the dangerous direction in which I was headed.
I’m still working on the “How do you get past it” part, but it’s so encouraging to see this at this time and to know that I’m not alone in this struggle.
Thanks again.
I just read in Luke last night about Jesus in the synagogue and how the evil spirit shouted out at him.
I had this thought - when Jesus shows up, it’s going to cause some people to get angry.
It helps me to know that they’re not getting angry at me, but at the mission that Jesus has called me to.
Insecurity in church leaders seems to be an epidemic. No respects the person who’s always kissing your butt.
We’ve got to get our esteem from our Creator… to allow Him to give us our confidence and standing before others.
Hebrews 6:18-20
“How can you believe if you seek praise from men and make no effort to obtain praise from the only God?” - Jesus, in John
I agree. Well put.
wow that was good i never thout of that its odd my paster will ask thos things ill yell at him next time he dose ask (im 14 and cant spell plz dont make fun of me)
everyone likes to be accepted & loved, but being a people pleaser in church is dangerous. The way I keep humble when someone gives me a good comment about my preaching is, always give God the glory, so he can get the credit. At the end of the day (in my case) it is He who deserves the glory because until this day I chuckle about the fact that I teach every week. (: