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Redefining Relationships
As God expands your ministry, you may need to redefine some relationships.
For example, our family functions differently with six kids than a family with two. As our family has grown, we’ve had to redefine how we spend our time, how we relate, what we do and don’t do.
The same is true in ministries.
- If your youth ministry grows from 4 kids to 70, you may have to redefine your relationships with the first 4.
- If you lead a mission trip with 12 people one year and next year you take 110, your interaction will likely differ.
- If your church grows from 40 to 400, you’ll need to make some changes.
These changes can be difficult for some people to understand. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You will always love them. But your relational rhythms will have to change.
(We’ll talk more in detail in the next few days.)
How have you seen this in your ministry?
Visit 
its true craig
when life was just my wife and i we could go and get pizza for tea at the last minute. now there are 6 of us and we cant get away with that as easy. we have to rethink our meal management/finances/etc.
as our church has grown we have to placate the original people who dont understand why we just cant keep nicking out to grab pizza like in the ‘good old days’.
Hey Craig! Just want to let you know that I bought “IT”…LOVED “IT”…Finished “IT”, and “IT” should be a requirement for all Leaders to read! “IT” is life changing! Keep letting God “USE” you! He is the only thing I want to be “USED” by in my life! “Used and radically abused!” Ha! Ha!
The rhythm thing is “sticking with me” this morning! Rhythms always need to be changing or we are are the same banging gong! As the song goes…”The Beat Goes On..(.Was that Sunny and Cher? I think!) Great Stuff Craig!
As a children’s pastor who’s ministry style is very relational, this is something that I think about often and can’t wait to hear other’s thoughts. One thing that comes to mind is praying for more creative ways to duplicate myself and mentor a team that will understand my heart and why it’s so important to build relationships with kids outside of Sunday morning.
Yes I noticed this even in a small church setting. When I took over our church we had 19 people including our family of six We made some much needed changes, hearts were encouraged and we began to grow. After three years, we’re still growing, but we have also suffered some set-backs. One of the major ones was that some of our volunteers felt they had a right to an “exclusive” relationship with the pastor’s family. This caused dissension, jealousy, etc.; but once we got past it our growth took root once again. Good point, Craig. Btw- one other setback we’re dealing with is my battle with leukemia. Any one who has time to lift us up in prayer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Since we started in ministry some fifteen years ago, I’ve had to change so much of my “social” calendar. When I would get invited to parties like Pampered Chef, it was no big deal. I went for the fellowship, and the food, if I’m being honest. But now? I get invited to more things and just can’t make it.
I don’t offer an explanation as to why I can’t attend but just graciously thank them for the invite. It’s still hard for this approval addict to decline and then wonder what they are thinking, but I manage.
Maybe I won’t care after another 10 years in ministry? :)
Rob, Thank you for sharing your health challenges with us. I am praying for you this morning.
Cindy, I was going to invite you to a party!
Jenn, So glad you enjoyed It! Thanks!
This is an ongoing process and it really deals with some maturity and growing-up. It’s sometimes difficult; however redefining those relations is a necessity.
So true…I know from family experience. Making necessary changes and having less activity is healthy for your family as it grows—-now if church members/partners could just understand that it’s really healthy for them as well! :)
This is tough. Having gone from 8 to over 70 in 6 months I have had to deal with this issue. I have basically challenged the first 8 to take ownership in the church. Help encourage, lead, pray, mentor all these new faces and families. As the leader it’s not all up to me.
That’s part of our “IT”. We are developing a true sense of community that our local church is not all about me or the music or the newness…it’s about realtionships and people and making Christ center.
Thanks Craig.
BTW…IT was great yesterday. Message was awesome. Thanks!
Because the relational lines are so “smushy” for me in ministry anyway this has been hard. As time has gone by my ministry responsbilities have increased probably tenfold and I simply am not as available as I once was able to be. I find it sad but am trying to find a core group to do things with and not apologize for that.
I have also found that as you grow, your relationship with the original people who were in leadership will change. Some may even get upset because they want to keep things the way they are. You have to expand you shpere of influence and build your base to grow. And it’s alright when that means they playing field changes.
One thing to add, you have to even rethink or develop a policy on gift giving. If you have 4 teens in your youth group, easy, 4 gifts. But if you have 70, you’re buying a gift every single week. That’s expensive, even if you make 26K a year.
I am with Tim, dealing with the relational changes on a leadership level is tough. People get used to having direct access to the leader all the time, but as the congregation grows your time gets more and more limited. It is very difficult for some to grasp the fact that even though you are their pastor you are not at their beck and call.
As we’ve transitioned a church and launched a new one, there were many key people who supported and walked through that transition with us. Now as we’re experiencing significant growth, how we flow with those core people is changing. One key that has helped us is their passion for others. They just get it and because of that they don’t feel slighted. Having said that, for us it is always a constant struggle through the seasons of growth.
I have experienced this with one member of my staff. Our church has almost doubled in size over the past two years. As we have added more staff and I have had to adjust my leadership style and how I interact with staff, she has taken it personally and interpreted it as a rejection.
This staff member has been with me for over five years, and for a long time it was just the two of us on staff. She has been faithful and hard-working during all of this time. But the transitions of this year have been very difficult for her.
Thanks for raising this issue on swerve. Any insight or experience in this matter would be helpful.
As your numbers grow, so does your staff, and so does responsibility. I was hired at NewPointe Community Church in February to work in student ministries. I have an amazing guy who is my boss/mentor/best friend at my new job. We have had a great time learning and tackling student ministries together over the past few months, but recently both of us have been given more responsibility as our church grows. Honestly, it’s been hard not to work directly together as much, but I know that God is teaching me a ton and He’s using the foundation of trust that we’ve built to help in the future. I’m not going to say that this change is always easy, but it usually - if not always - turns out for the best.
Craig,
I’d love to hear about what stages you believe that this should happen in a ministry/church and what those changes need to be. I’m speaking numerically, but maybe there’s a time dynamic as well. Can’t wait to hear about this.
Thanks for all that you guys do!
Also, we just got done doing the Warrior series yesterday at our church and it was amazing! People were saying that it was one of their favorites ever and we just kept telling them that you guys were to thank! Thanks for your generosity and your heart to share all that you do!
I have attended Victory Church for several years now and have watched this happen there. And it isnt a BAD thing but some people want to question everything. For me, it is having respect for the leadership of the church and their relationship with God. Because I have trust that they take everything to God and their focus is on Christ, I can accept the changes with that understanding. I doubt many pastors change things just for fun, gotta love riling up the members for a good laugh…doubt it.
Clif and Tim, This is VERY tough. I am convinced that many leaders are unwilling to make the necessary changes and it becomes one of their greatest limiting factors.
Chad asked for advice on explaining the changes to a staff member. Maybe some of you can offer him some wisdom.
Mike, I think it would be hard to discuss with numerical breakdowns because everyone’s style of leadership and relationships differ. Truthfully, I think redefining or directing relationships should happen more often than not.
Our ministry here at Northwest went from 70 students the first night we launched to now almost 400! My relationship with those first core students have had to scale back, but they will always be the heartbeat of our group!
hey Craig, this is a perfect time to refer people to your 30 days to live series. Most of the decisions you will make become crystal clear, with that the mindset you outlined in those sermons. I have been shown clearly that my ministry is my kids for now, which frees up my wife to serve 100%. So the redefinition for me was simple, focus my the children, support my wife, and let everything else sort itself out.
Funny you should mention that, Pastor Craig. Just had a family leave the church because “We know that the River is growing and we are not sure if we are all that interested in the ‘missionary’ aspect of the church and saving Tulsa.”
We are learning that we can’t be “buddies” with everybody the way we could when we started with 7 people. We have learned that people can be ignited by the senior pastor (and those closest to him), but should not ATTACH themselves to him, expecting close friendship from him. That’s why life groups are so important. It’s also why we’ve changed focus slightly and are investing more into leaders, rather than the group as a whole.
Frankly, we are probably still making mistakes. But questions like yours help us think through them. Thanks, dude… I’ll have to pick up a copy of “IT.”
Question for you: When did you realize that your relationships needed to change with your congregation? (I’m speaking of the early growth phase of a church plant.) Do you have any regrets about that phase?
Gabe, I have too many relational regrets to count. You asked when I realized some relationships needed to change… It was very early on. I hate to write a number (of attendance) because I don’t want that to be the focus of this discussion. Sorry you lost one of your families.
Craig, this is so important, thanks for bringing it up. What most of us take far too long to realize (speaking from experience here) is that by the time we actually redefine our relationships, it’s generally because we’ve been forced to do it. We probably should have done it far sooner, but it we usually wait until the relational demands are insane before we’re willing to change things.
For example, no one can mentor twenty people effectively. Jesus only tackled 12, and lost one — and I’m not that gifted. So even if I had 10 people in my church, I should be prayerfully choosing half that many to invest in deeply instead of trying to be the messiah to all of them and waiting till there are 50 and find myself saying uncle far too late in the game. In a church of 40, who are my 4-6 key leaders? A church of 400, who are my 4-6? In a church of 4000… The bigger my church gets, the higher level those 4-6 key leaders become.
That’s what I think, anyway.
ABSOLUTELY. When I joined my present church, at the same time I joined so did about twenty people. The huge influx on a small community church was almost too much for many members to handle. They left. I didn’t understand how they could feel like they didn’t want their church to grow…but I think it was because the relationships definitely were changing - especially with leadership. Thanks for this post.
This time 2 years ago, I resigned my staff position at a ministry. It was without question - the right thing to do. And while I have remained friends with the other staff there - it couldn’t be the same as when we spent hours together praying in my office and were in the day to day moments. They are all connected however to where I’m on staff at currently. I cannot share with them like they would like for me to. It just doesn’t work that way. It can’t and shouldn’t.
Chad? Have you done any thing to recognize her? Write her a note, have a lunch for her, give her a plaque, certificate, a gift or gift card….. let her know that you still greatly value her contributions then as well as now. Let her know she is still a part of the team. Then, if she still takes it personally…. talk w/her directly about it. If you don’t - it could affect the rest of your staff and your ministry there as a whole. And honestly? If she is not willing to grow with you and the rest of the staff…. it will be okay to let her go. In fact, it might be freeing for her and you. Praying for you, her, and the rest of your staff.
This is a very real issue and I look forward to hearing Ps Craig open it up in coming days. Ive discovered that Relationship are everything - if there working right its great, if there not wrong right. Well lets just say life and ministry can become rather challenging!!
So Awesome look forward to hearing the rest! Thank You!
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