I understand how this could come across as arrogant. I also agree with you that context matters a lot. A senior pastor’s perspective might be different than another pastoral role. The size of the church or town will also make a difference.

I probably shouldn’t have talked as much about kids. (Many pastors don’t have as many as we do. You can imagine the number of birthday invitation w/six kids and a large church.)

In our context, we have to fight for time alone with family. (I am not exaggerating. If we didn’t work hard for family time, we wouldn’t get it.)

Some can relate. Others crave more time with others.

I’m sorry when the suggestions hurt people. I’m glad when they were helpful.

Blessings.

I think this may be a Mega-Church versus smaller church issue or even a senior pastor versus associate one. It also may have to do with how long you have lived in a community. Maybe if we found ourselves either in a senior pastorate or in a large church, I would feel quite differently. Maybe if I hadn’t recently moved to a new town after living for 36 years in the same area I’d feel differently. My husband is an assistant pastor. Our church has about 350 regular attenders. We know the majority either personally, by name or by reputation. We live in a small town of 10,000. We have very little crime in this town (probably due to the prevalence of hunting and open-carry laws regarding guns). Everyone knows everyone. If someone offered to babysit our kids, chances are either we or many of our friends would know this person and their reputation.

I think my main objection with this post is that it appears to lump everyone trying to make friends with a pastor into one category – those people who are out to get something from them. I know that this is probably not how you feel. I think –and I know you did not mean to come across this way, Craig. I have read enough of your posts to get a sense that you are a humble guy – that if I shared this with members of our congregation it would come across as rather arrogant. I agree with Eric. If I were a lay person reading this post I would assume that the best way to get to know your pastor is just don’t. As Eric also said, points “1-14 don’t seem to lead to 15″.

My husband and I don’t only mind getting invites from strangers in our church, we heartily welcome it. We hope that in accepting invitations like these (which for us are few and far between) we will eventually cease being strangers and find ourselves on the road to lasting friendships. However, if we begin to set up roadblocks such as “don’t invite us to dinner, offer to babysit our kids or invite our kids to birthday parties,” we miss out on some potentially valuable, life-impacting friendships. Our kids miss out as well. Our three kids get invited to a lot of birthday parties(probably about 5 a year per kid). They love them. I love that they get to go to them. But if I posted your list on our church’s website, I wonder if they would get any invites at all. People would be too afraid that they would be perceived as “using” our kids. I guess I assume that the reason they get invited is because those kids like my kids for who they are – pretty much wonderful kids. I honestly don’t think that their parents are trying to use them to get to us. We have many deep friendships in other places (not where we are currently living yet) ranging from 2 years to 30 years in length. At one point these dear friends were once strangers or acquaintances to us. A few were the primary initiators and may have been viewed by others as “pushy”. Many were formed because either they or we invited the other to dinner.

I think you missed the “spirit” of the posts. Your pastor linked to this… probably because he could relate to some of the challenges pastors face.

If you read the whole week of posts and comments, you’ll see pastors who genuinely want to love and be loved. People treat us differently. Sometimes better. Sometimes worse. Mostly just different.

(For example, telling me that I don’t preach love and should get a new job when you probably don’t know me… is different.)

I have six kids and received three offers this week from total strangers to watch my kids. I am grateful for each offer. But I don’t know any of the people. I have had people leave the church mad because we wouldn’t let them watch our kids.

It puts us in an awkward position when my wife is uncomfortable sending our kids to a strangers house.

You can minister to your pastor the way YOU want to. (And your pastor may be very blessed by all you do.) Or you can minister in a way that he/she says would really bless them.

Blessings to you.

I know this is not really what your post was about but just wanted to share.

I am sorry where you have been wounded and hurt. I wish we as sheep weren’t so venomous at times. I pray the Lord would continue to bless the friendships and relationships you have, I pray Psalm 91 over you and your family and the other pastors and they’re families. I pray He would hide you under the shadow of His wings. I pray you are able to rest in the shadow of the Almighty! I pray that your children despite the church politics would be convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate them from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 3:38 I pray your children would know (that you Lord would write on their hearts) that they are the apple of God’s eye!!! Oh, how He delights in them!!!

i was so encouraged by your message on worry and bitterness!
this comment was way too long! sorry:) blessings:)

Craig Groeschel recently wrote two posts about pastoral relationships with members of their congregation. These are absolutely incredible posts! Take a look and come back and post your thoughts. You can read Craig’s posts here and here….

I think you have best explained your position on declining invitations from your members/partners who want to get close to you when you use Nehemiah as an example: “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.” Neh 6:3. When you used Nehemiah to explaine your reason for saying “no” to some perfectly good things for the best things (time with family, personal health, etc),that really helped me understand your position. As a member/partner, I am comfortable with your decision to say “no” often and have implemented “no” into my own life, even when its tough, when “no” is the best decision.

The pastors of this decade are up against their members’ memory of their parents’ pastor’s role from the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s. From my viewpoint, ministry has changed and I’m sure it is a challenge for pastors to move forward without leaving casualties behind.

Anyway, I suppose choosing to lead a non-normal life leads to non-normal treatment. Thank you for sacrificing and not choosing to be normal for the sake of making an eternal difference.

I agree with you completely that these can be turned around for the way pastors treat church attenders. (We have more than our share of problems.)

You seemed to have summarized my thoughts by saying you shouldn’t be friends with pastors. If you or others interpret it that way, I certainly did a poor job communicating.

We crave friendships.

I enjoy going to dinner at people’s house. I appreciate people babysitting for us. I appreciate people inviting my kids places.

Please remember, you might have one, two or three pastors. I might have one hundred, five hundred, or twenty thousand people I’m trying to love and lead.

I clicked on your site and saw you are an attorney. (Cool site btw… and I know you from church.) Most people don’t think, “Let’s have the attorney and his family over for dinner.” Many people think that for us. It is often a blessing. It is often challenging as well.

Undoubtedly as a pastor, we have an enormous amount of blessings. I don’t want to overlook those blessings. (I could list hundreds!)

In summary, people do treat us differently. Sometimes it is better and undeserved. Other times it is just different. Because it is different, it makes our road to friendships “feel” different. Maybe we just crave normal…

I’m sorry my words “stung.” Truthfully, most people in the church are incredible. I sincerely thank you for your encouragement at the end of your comment. God’s best to you and your 5 kids!

This one definitely impacts me the most. I can’t tell you how much it means when someone tells me they are praying for me. I’m incredibly humbled every time I hear it.

Thursday’s post began “I’m writing this post for church members” and ended with “Pastors, where do you agree?” Who was it for again? I’m very surprised by the minimal number of member/partner responses to an entry supposedly targeted toward them, but maybe I should’t be if they feel like I did at first(keep reading). I’m not surprised, however, by the number of “Right Ons!” from the pastors. I’m sure it’s refreshing to pastors that “someone finally said it!” Plus, it’s easier to ride on the bus than drive it.

The list of suggestions began “If you want to become friends with your pastor, here are some suggestions:” It seems from the list of suggestions, the short answer is really….. “don’t.”

It is so refreshing to hear how members/partners can best serve their pastors because frankly, the suggestions make partners’ role easier. The mentioned suggestions lead members/partners toward: praying for their pastors, creating margin for their pastors with gift cards and sending encouraging notes. The suggestions lead members away from: dinner invites, conversations with their pastors and inclusion of the pastor’s kids when it’s invitation writing time.

Further, it is insightful to realize that the suggestions could be reciprocal the from members’ perspective. For example:

1. Don’t be pushy. Pushy pastors come across as needy. We deal with needy people all day in our work, school and home.

2. “God told me” doesn’t work on us either. Tons of people have told us that before.

3. It’s tough having the pastor over for dinner. We work a lot. Our kids are busy. Having the pastor’s kids at our house is stressful too. A night at home alone is better for us too. It’s easier.

4. Babysitting others’ kids is tough! Agreed. It’s easier not to offer.

5. We love talking to the real you. Many pastors show us a spiritual front. Thank you for being yourself.

6. We are slow to open up. It is because of you(a pastor). We’ve been hurt many times by pastors who say the same things you are saying to us.

7. If we ever say “no” to you, please understand it is very hard for us (because your pressure it strong). We want to serve you. We simply can’t do everything. Pastor, we hope you understand.

8. More than anything, we want you to represent Christ to us. When we let you down (and we will), we pray you will show us grace.

Honestly, number 15 appears unobtainable and uninvited. 1-14 don’t seem to lead to 15. As a member/partner I can choose to pout because “he doesn’t wanna be my friend” OR I can choose to meet the stated needs of my pastor who has taken on a great responsibility that he/she feels they will have to answer to God for.

I’ll fess up. The posts stung a little as a member/partner(as I suspect it did others), but as I began to realize the real needs of my pastors, I began to realize I need to take ME out of it and serve my pastors in the most effective way. Rather than a friend to my pastor, I need to be a prayer warrior, margin maker and encourager.

Pastors, rock on. Thank you for accepting the responsibility. Members/Partners, let’s focus on meeting the needs our pastors have, not the ones we have for them to meet.