The Challenge of Ministry Friendships 2 (of 5)
Is It Worth It?
If you’ve been in ministry for more than a year, I’m guessing you’ve been hurt badly. Because churches are full of people, the potential for hurt feelings and misunderstandings couldn’t be higher. Add to the mix church committees, boards, salary discussions, moral failures, church splits, or theological debates, and the odds of pain increase infinitely.
I’ll tell you honestly that Amy and I have hurt so deeply that we’ve wanted to leave ministry more than once. We’ve cried more private tears than anyone will ever know. We’ve battled bitterness, anger, resentment, and loneliness.
We often asked, “Is it even worth opening up to those who will likely hurt and reject us?” If you are wondering if it is worth risking more relational hurt again, I’d reply with an emphatic yes.
Here are some reasons:
- If you don’t build intimate friendships with other couples, your marriage will suffer.
- If you don’t build intimate relationships, your effectiveness as a minister will be limited.
- If you don’t share your life with other believers, your relationship with Christ will be challenged.
- If you don’t learn to forgive, you’ll never effectively preach and minister the forgiveness of Christ.
Like Jesus who went back to love Peter after Peter denied Him three times, WE HAVE TO GO BACK AND LOVE GOD’S PEOPLE AGAIN. We are called to love and that means we must be open. If we aren’t growing in intimacy with other Christ-followers, we are in trouble.
Please add your thoughts or stories. If you need prayer in this area, please let us know.
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Thanks for your transparency Craig…
I have recently been deeply wounded by close Christian friends…
I am dealing with this as we speak …
I hate the anger I feel in my heart, and seems to be bleeding into way too many areas of my walk with Christ…
I am looking forward to what is on the other side of this, and the hope of forgiveness…
Man I don’t want to get bitter, or stay angry, and I want to walk in that forgiveness…
This posts helped me a lot to pick up that banner, and keep on truckin’
Bless you!
In the deep pain is when my wife and I bonded.
In the deep pain is whne my Lord and I bonded.
I would trade the pain for anything!
Enough Said!
Thanks for the post and thanks for sharing!
Thanks for dealing with this craig! I think the challenge becomes harder when you stay in the same place for a long time. I’m 13 years in the same community…and I understand why some pastors change every five years. It’s easier to start over than the face the pain that people have caused you or that you’ve caused them.
But then, if the essence of the message of what we preach can’t touch that, then it’s likely not worth preaching. Ministry in Christ becomes grace and forgiveness, even humility, incarnated.
I’ve had to fight feelings of being jaded and cynical, but I have chosen to work through the issues, if that were possible. I have chosen to forgive and not become hardened. Many times, my relationships have only grown stronger and I’ve grown more mature. So, I would say it’s worth it.
Love the post today, just what I needed.
I think of Corinthians where Paul said we are comforted in our pain so that we can in turn comfort others…wounded healers.
The example of Jesus healing Peter, who hurt him deeply is a powerful one…thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Craig. Taking all this into consideration, do you or anyone have any thoughts on how to be transparent when you and your wife are going through some deep personal pain within your marital relationship? We want to share the pain with others who will help us through our own trial but fear how that level of transparency may come back to hurt us. Any thoughts?
Craig, thank you for your honesty in this subject. My wife and I have both been deeply hurt by church friends. As pastors, we want to show an authentic walk before Christ even with our faults and there has been times when “friends” have thrown it in our face that we are ministers. Sometimes, even jokingly, “…and you’re a pastor.” Even though they think they’re humerous it still hurts. We left the ministry at one point but felt calling us back in to sell out to Him. This is what we remember now: we are in ministry because God called us to broken humans, not perfect ones. Pray for us as we deal with issues with “friends” and church leaders. Thanks!
Craig, I am finding in a rural setting it is possibly even more difficult…you go to Wal-Mart with them…eat at the same restaurants…kids attend the same school. Some of my greatest pain has come from staff that have had awesome opportunities for success then turn on you. Cindy and I are very relational with recent feelings of withdraw…I can’t wait to let her read your insight.
Craig,
We have battled bitterness, hurt, & broken dreams from those who have lied, back stabbed, plotted & were just plain evil. We had my pay cut significantly by one church. We had a group that tried to steal the vision of our church start & recently realized that a group would rather stay the same & die than change.
All of this led to my wife & I considering as late as December 07 leaving vocational ministry. What kept us in? THE CALL. God has called both of us to minister & be vulnerable. If it weren’t for God’s call on my life & my wife’s obedience to follow God’s call on her too we would have left.
JC asked a good question: “Do you or anyone have any thoughts on how to be transparent when you and your wife are going through some deep personal pain within your marital relationship?”
Maybe someone can help him.
Thanks to all your honest and heartfelt comments.
This is so true. Love is the answer! I know of someone who is deeply imbittered by the way people drained him during his years in ministry. He said he wasted 20 years of his life… my heart aches for him… I don’t know what to tell him…
Thanks for this post! It’s a great reminder! We can love because He first loved us!
This post has hit home again. I have been in the “vocational ministry for..let’s see I started preaching when I was ahhh…then I graduated in ahhhh…let’s just say I have been doing this for over 30 years. :) As you can imagine I can tell horror story after horror story of those we thought were out friends who ended up betraying us. Only someone who has lost his position because it was “Bill goes or I go” can understand that type of betrayal. But would I get close to people again? Absolutely. All of Craig’s reasons for developing close relationships are true. I wanted to put a big “YES!” after each one. Because along with the pain has come some of the most satisfying and enduring friendships. I still cycle with a buddy I developed a friendship with over 15 years ago. I wouldn’t trade Jim’s friendship (and unflagging support) for anything. I would have missed out on that if I had not taken a risk. Spending hours together on a bicycle allowed us to take that risk and be open with each other. I still go back to what I wrote in the last post: “Be authentic but be wise.”
Thank you for addressing this issue. It is one that my wife and I struggle with a lot. I have been in full time ministry for 8 years. Before that I was in medicine and we had friends that we could talk to and who loved us. It seems so much harder to do that in the context ministry. You always feel like you have to be “on” all the time.
Thanks again…
The most stones and blasphemy I have ever had thrown at me were hurled by self-proclaimed Christians that “were/are” leaders at a church body…but I recognize I have hurt others as well in my life… Salary or no salary…I have learned that ALL Christians are messed up. We are ALL a bunch of broken people…who are willing to “recognize” we are messed up and need God to manage the muddle …Some people just succumb to God’s headship better than others…
What happens when you have a bunch of wounded souls with insecurities, gossip…manipulation…addiction…self-pleasing…control issues trying to figure out how to be God’s Church?… Answer… a lot of GREAT people with bad habits who make “not-so-GREAT” decisions at times. We still need each other, but if we are in any relationship we should anticipate some disappointment along the way. NO ONE is perfect even if they “act” like they are!
can you imagine what Christ felt like when He was walking this earth? not only did He know that there were going to be hurts along the way… He knew who would betray Him… He knew who would deny Him… yet He developed personal relationships with them… yet He called them to do His work later in life…
or what about God in this? He would send His Son knowing how He was going to be beaten and spat upon… He would make this sacrifice to allow you and i to have a relationship with Him… even when we deny Him… or disobey Him… or turn our backs on Him…
there are going to be great hurts! but we have to keep them in perspective. my wife and i went through a ministry nightmare, yet through the entire situation God provided the strength, patience, and even the joy we needed to get through. and that desire He has given to serve Him, can not be taken away.
JC.
Hey - my wife and I have a wonderful relationship with an older couple (we are in our late twenties / they are in their late fifties) that are licensed counselors. While we were not experiencing deep conflict in our marriage, we knew it was necessary to create an environment where we could show all of our cards, holding nothing back.
I have wept bitter tears in their presence. I have expressed my frustrations and complaints openly. I have asked for advice in moments of desperation. I have listened when it was tought to hear. They provide feedback, wisdom, insight, honesty, tools, resources, safety, acceptance, love, and truth. We all need to create this kind of space in our lives.
So, I recommend you connect with an older couple. And if they have counseling experience and/or training all the better. But the important element for this kind of relationship to work is mutual love and respect. This relationship for us is not professional, it is deeply personal. And that is what it takes.
So don’t worry, I’m not suggesting you go lie down on a couch somewhere! But it may be a hurdle that we as men and husbands need to get over. Counseling has become a four letter dirty word to most men and husbands. For some reason we are often times stubborn and prideful and want to keep it all together on our own. Not likely.
Quite simply, every couple needs a couple!
honestly, i have been haunted over the last few weeks about this area of my life. moving 32 times in 28 years (some because of very painful circumstances) hasn’t really been the best platform for me to even know how to begin to build relationships that i am learning now, i so desperately need. a combination of many things, including a deeply rooted sense of distrust i know i must overcome and fight tooth and nail every single day…often hinders me. and it is catching up.
This is where the rubber meets the road. I am not in ministry, not yet anyway, but I have grown up in the church since before I was born, and what you said is what we should do when these things happen, but you made it so simple.
Craig,
Since I’m neither God nor omnipotent, I can’t state this as fact, but I suspect that one of the primary reasons you have become so successful (and will remain so) in ministry is because of your authenticity. I served for many years as an associate pastor at one of the more influential and larger churches in the USA. The thing that I missed most was authenticity.
Both posts on this subject of ministry friendships have been so revealing and beneficial. I know that there are myriad people who pastor little churches across the USA that have experienced similar pain, but ultimately those of you who have achieved a modicum of success that is uncommon have a more far reaching voice, and so when you are vulnerable and authentic in admitting your own struggles it gives hope to many of us who find ourselves walking in unfamiliar territory.
If we must remain in ministry, serving people, it is not optional whether or not we get to risk being hurt again. One of the few things that is a guarantee in ministry is that things will constantly change. If we wrestle with the notion of change as beneficial and necessary, we may have missed our calling or at the very least our understanding of our calling.
I feel it hurts so much more in church because the relationships are so personal.
Last year for us was our most hurtful year in ministry…to the point where it was the first time in 14 years my wife and I almost even considered never setting foot in a church.
When you are hurt purposely by a pastor and then a close friend stabs you in the back at church…..IT HURTS. (A lot of details not for this blog)
I even questioned God, felt like Job…after it was all said and done I asked myself if the last 14 years were worth it?
The answer was a resounding “YES” It was worth it to know that there are hundreds of teens now serving God. It was worth it to see some of our teens go into full time ministry.
I also asked God, “Why did they do it?????” like a hundred times. Why did He let me go through it.
What He told me was He was the one that did it because if I would have stayed with them I would not have reached my potential.
That didn’t make it any less hurtful but it did keep me on focus.
Point is “when iron sharpens iron, there are always a lot of sparks”
Pain will come in ministry because we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people.
Thanks for your transparency…I feel like this is the constant tension in ministry for me.
Yeah, I have been hurt badly. But the thing is, I am the one who has allowed others to hurt me badly. People will hurt others, it is the nature of our sinfulness. Does that take the sting away? No, but here is the deal. Just as I will not allow someone’s language to offend me if they swear, I am much more careful to not let someone else’s actions offend me.
Last year, I was let go (read fired!). I felt free, like a load was lifted almost immediately. I was still me and they were still them, so what was the difference? The difference was I was released from ministry to them, but I was never to minister to them, was I? I mean we are ministers of the Word - Ambassadors for Christ. For so long, my freedom was not in Christ, but in other’s expectations of me, or my level of success.
It is important to have a highly developed sense of reality. It may sound hard, but my emotions, feelings, and thoughts are mine and they can only be hurt if I allow them and they are to be held captive in Christ. I now chose to hurt for others when I see their anger, their pain, their sadness, their need for a savior. Instead of being hurt by their behavior, my heart goes out to their need.
2 Cor 10:4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, 7rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
Colossians 2:8 See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.
I have seen someone I know very well be hurt by the church. I watched them go through the pain, the bitterness, and frankly disillusionment. I walked with them through this season and I have to admit it challenged me as well. Thankfully, God has healed what once was broken. Although this person is not a part of the church that hurt them anymore, they have come to a place where they can speak well of the church and the people involved. God has brought them along way as a person and brought them to a place of complete healing. Getting over being hurt by friends in the church is a process. And only God can heal the wound and give us the courage to love people again like He loves them.
Craig,
Here is a piece from my blog…
Friday, February 1, 2008
Where do you hide your heart?
It’s a thought provoking question isn’t it? We humans easily fall victim to conditioning. We attempt something once, maybe a few times and if we get hurt we avoid that experience at any cost. Some individuals; however, may paste on a grin and force themselves to confront the very same issue again. They know that it is probably going to hurt - not a pain so much from the issue itself, but pain from the initial wound as memories are stirred.
Floor to ceiling bathroom stalls can cause problems. Sure, for privacy it’s great. But, you never can be sure if anyone is in there. Such was the case during a sport show in 1999. I was giving seminars (on walleye fishing - I used to compete on the professional tournament trail) and working at my sponsor’s booth, promoting product. About half way through the day, I was encouraged by some positive remarks from a company exec. as to my future with their product and company. Later that same day, a friend of mine, took me aside and told me of a conversation he overheard while, well, sitting in just such a bathroom stall. In short, he heard the very same company exec, who hours before was singing my praises, tell someone how he had it made. “Dave Kidd mentions our product in his seminars, magazine articles or when he’s on ESPN or TNN and we sell a bunch of product. But, we’re just using him now when he’s cheap, when his name demands any significant money, we’ll dump him!” I’ll never forget that day - it crushed me. I vowed that no one would ever use me again!
A while back I finished reading Confessions of a Pastor by Craig Groeschel. In it he says not to take too seriously the comments of either your fans or your critics. Wise words. Sometimes the very same ones who give you the highest compliments will turn and hand you your head on a platter minutes, hours, days or years later. That’s human relationship. Knowing that, it is so tempting to just hang out the “closed” sign and live my life in peaceful obscurity. But I have this problem. I can’t hide my heart. If I do, I can’t help people. I can’t get close enough to people, or allow them to get close enough to me if I have hidden my heart in an effort to protect it. Hiding my heart would turn everything God has called me to do into a train wreck.
Are you hiding your heart? Are you too afraid to get close enough to people to reach them for Christ? Think you’ll be hurt? Guess what? You will be, and the sting of it will always be a memory in this life. But it’s worth it. Again, are you hiding your heart? Imagine if Christ hid his!
JC,
Couples need ministered to now, more than ever. Transparency is vital to relational ministry. Your understandably cautious, fearing the hurt you may suffer for being transparent. But in that risk lies a reward. As the Apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:7, “We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us.” Have you ever thought that the problems or trials that you are experiencing are part or will become part of your treasure. God can use you and your wife to minister to other couples, and, as you do, you will be ministered to. You can exhibit an empowered witness that shows though the trials are tough, through God, your still standing! Couple ministry is best accomplished couple to couple or small group (6 couples max per group). If you have that dynamic in your local church, get involved. If not, maybe God is leading you and your wife in that direction. I’d be happy to talk further.
Pastor Dave Kidd
Binding Hearts Marriage Ministries
http://www.bindinghearts.embarqspace.com
I’m feeling ya Craig.
Betrayal within trusted relationships inside the church leave a person in incredible pain.
good insight.
one of the hardest things for me being a pastors wife is when a friend hurts you and spreads the situation around the church for others to hear. obviously only one side of things is being heard and it can be very humbling and hard to not defend myself, but to give it to the Lord for Him to handle.
craig, i remember a statement that you shared with me at your office. i will never forget it and share it often with friends in ministry…you said “the size of your ministry is in direct proportion to amount of pain you can endure.” its a powerful statement and so true.
awesome stuff bro…thanks for this great series of posts…peace..mike.
I think surrounding yourself and family with a committed team helps you endure the hurt. Although the process of building that team can be painful as well! Yikes!
I have been deeply hurt by family in ministry, and this post was a great reminder and encouragement. Thanks! I know alot of people need to hear this. Pray for my husband and I as we are trying to “come back” from our situation, and figure out how to act in our family (b/c there is no resolution… except silent forgiveness from our side) and feel confident in ministry again.
Thank you Craig!
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Craig,
Thanks for this post.
A lot of times me and my wife feel that we are the only ones who feel like ministry is just too tough ALL THE TIME!
There is nothing more challenging than jumping into ministry during your first year of marriage, this has been the most difficult year. Reaching the lost is such an important task, but holding your marriage together is just as important.
Thanks
One thing I don’t like about “ministry friendships” within the church is the expectations of the members we are befriending. It’s as though they want to be best friends right out of the gate. They don’t want to take the time to cultivate a relationship they just want to jump in the deep end right away. No investment necessary.
They expect so much from us and often give very little to the relationship. They call to “talk” but what they really want to do is get counseling or gossip or get something on you. I understand not everyone is like that, but too many have been for me to be comfortable with it.
I have experienced a lot of hurt and unforgiveness toward people who basically used us to advance their agenda. God dealt with me on this big time and I went through a very long process to work that out. I am learning to befriend people again but there is a certain part of me that will always be on guard. I don’t believe I have to let every person who wants to be my friend into my heart. I will pick who becomes a friend and who doesn’t.
Great stuff!!
If we don’t love people, I would question whether or not we love God. The purest form of demonstrating God’s vertical love is to express it horizontally on his people.
[...] Friends and church ministry. [...]
Wow! I needed to hear this - especially the “go back and love them again” part - thank you.
Joe wrote:
>”I have experienced a lot of hurt and
>unforgiveness toward people who basically
>used us to advance their agenda.”
I think that Joe has hit the nail on the head.
I believe that the vast majority of bad feelings in church is because most, if not all, Christians have an agenda. It is their own personal agenda and not Jesus’ agenda.
Every time my feelings have been hurt in life it was because some expectation of mine was not met. Why do we carry our personal expectations into church?
If Church was a place for Christians to come together to “give” instead of to “take” then life in church would probably be much more pleasant. In 40 years of searching, I have never found a Church that was about giving instead of taking.
[...] been thinking about transparency ever since Craig talked about it, either in one of his sermons or on swerve, I can’t remember which. And I’ve been trying to put what I thought about it into words [...]