One, every couple that “transcended” pastor/member friendship so that we could engage socially with freedom, ends up leaving! Not necessarily for other churches or with hard feelings, but without exception they don’t last long. These losses are more painful than members leaving for other churches and taking potshots in the process.

Two, never…and I mean never, open up and trust the person in the congregation that early on expresses his desire to be the pastor’s friend. Frienships may happen but in our experience are not announced early on in the relationship.

Are we cynical? Have we quit praying for or seeking “transcendent friendships” in the church? We are maybe a little skeptical but we still seek out friends. But we do share a quiet lonliness as a cost of leadership or a refining discipline,every time we make such friends and then see them depart. We do not have as many “close” friends as we thought we would at our age(55)but cherish the ones we do have. I’m not sure in this we are any different than lay people. We have way too many relationships as a result of our ministries that require time and maintenance to give to a great number of friendships.

Great topic.

Dave Mobley

I believe we need to have a balance. I found when I am too open and honest with church members they tend to back away from me and question my spirituality or they use that information as a way to gain leverage over me. Neither I liked. That also lead to me wondering if they were my friends because I was the pastor. Some people like to be around people with “power”.

Holding people at arms length doesn’t do anyone any good either. I had been hurt so much that I got to the point that I didn’t want to meet anyone new because I wondered when they were going to hurt me too. People began to wonder if I cared about them because I didn’t want to be around them.

I have many close friends who happen to be pastors. They are the ones I talk to about this stuff because they understand. I once tried to explain to a couple of guys in my church about what I went through as a pastor and they said they understood. That they go through the same stuff at their work places. I just looked at them and realized that they cannot understand something they know nothing about much less experienced themselves.

Well I think I posted too much and will end it here.

I think it sets a boundary before hand (in my mind, at least) that I’ve done what I can, now it is up to God to bring them back. Always with attitude of the prodigal son’s father when they do come back. Which is easier because I didn’t let bitterness creep in when they left.

Above one person said it’s also hard on the kids… I completely agree. Me and my sister tend to want to protect our parents as they lead and do an amazing job. It’s hard to see the people that my parents have relationship with leave the church and not in the right spirit…but again I have seen my parents learn and grow from all those experiences. And through it they’ve encouraged me and my sister to not harbor bitterness and offense in all those situations.

I admire and respect all that you pastors do. I know its not an easy job, and I know that God will bless you for it.:)

Along with the responsibility of being a home owner, I felt pressure to always have people over, students always wanting to hang out, and friends and (yes, even church members who I apparently draw, but wish I didn’t) would randomly stop by. No more privacy.

Being a pastor is hard for me because at any moment, in any conversation, I am subject to turning into pastor Chris. At any moment I am on call. That is what is so hard for me.

And by the way, I didn’t end up buying that house. And I’m glad for it!

Over the last few years I’ve found one of my biggest “authenticity obstacles” is the tension of being an associate (worship) pastor.

I have several close “church” friendships in which I can’t be real/honest with my personal struggles - particularly in the area of my life that mean the most to me: ministry.

As an associate, I feel (strongly) that it’s highly unwise and inappropriate to share the disagreements I have with my senior pastor. In those rare struggles, it would be destructive to share my personal feelings with my friends. Destructive in the short-term for their personal spiritual walk, and destructive long-term for the church.

God has not called me to be the shot-caller/vision-setter/leader of the church, and I am thankful every day not to have to carry that responsibility.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a (personal) opinions about what I’m spiritually most passionate about - the ministry - and I can’t enlist the help of my brothers to help me get my head/heart right. I’m on my own.

(I know it probably sounds like I’m one of those associates who don’t trust God or their senior pastor - but I’m not that guy.)

I’m just trying to be honest about my challenges with ministry friendships…

this is why i left to be part of a house church - it’s so much more than just sunday lectures. there are no awkward moments because we share in the responsibility for learning, living and loving. there’s no laity and clergy! sure, there are problems at times but it’s much easier to find resolution than i’ve ever seen in corporate christianity.

You hit the nail on the head, I find that my closest friendships are with people outside my church and often times with non-Christians.

I find that they accept me as a person, warts and all and do not judge me. Very, very few church members afford me that. I find that is very hard on my family. People long to be close to the “pastor” and you let people into your lives they hang around for a while get disappointed and move on and blast you on the way out, my poor wife feel used and abandoned. I feel bad for my kids, they’ll ask why “so and so” doesn’t come to see them any more. It gets to the point where you don’t want to let anyone close.

After 12 years in one church I have enough wounds from “friends” to last a lifetime.

Pastor are people, we have weaknesses and struggles, we have faults, we are just men, we have a high calling and that is a heavy burden to bear, the people we try to serve should understand that, but way to many do not.

So most of my friends are fellow ministers and non-Christians and only a very, very select few church members.

Chilly,
Quite true but one of those betrayed Him to death.

I love my friendships!

Pastors who get close to people are also sometimes accused of “playing favorites.”

The ones who are “closer” to me expect favors (like free food and shirts) and get upset when they don’t receive them.

My wife and I yearn for a close relationship with people but: 1. Don’t have the time to cultivate one (especially with a 4, 2 and 1 year old) 2. feel weird around people because they won’t act normal with us and 3. we have really random work hours (um 24/7?) because of working with college students.

I look forward to the next post!

I have read the “confessions” book and given out at least 7 copies as well (I want my commission :) ). I love it. It helped reinforce what I believed, I have always been transparent, authentic, vulnerable, etc. I have been criticized for it, and I needed the encouragement from Craig’s book…

I try to do that with relationships of people in our church, the hurts are greater when you let yourself really care…But Garth Brooks said it best, “I would have missed the pain, but I’d of had to miss the dance.”