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The Challenge of Ministry Friendships 1 (of 5)
Intimate Friendships Are Tough For Pastors
This is a series of posts I’ve wanted to write for some time. I pray you will all add valuable insight to the discussion.
(Note: I am writing to pastors. For those of you who are not in ministry, some of what I write will be difficult for you to understand. Read the comments carefully. Don’t judge these pastors. They are real people with real pain. I pray God will give you insight how to minister and befriend pastors.)
Back to the pastors… As you know, intimate friendships with church members can be very challenging! Those of you who are pastors probably understand that.
Here are a few of the reasons I’ve experienced:
- Some pastors move often from church to church making it hard to develop lasting close friendships.
- Most lay-people (non-ministers) will say that they understand you are a “real person,” but many really don’t believe that. As much as they think they look at you as normal people, they still generally have higher expectations for you.
- Because people generally have higher expectations of pastors, it is easy for pastors to blow their expectations.
- Most church members talk differently to pastors.
- When a friend who is a church member leaves the church, it is very hard for pastors not to take it personally. This can cause a pastor to fear future intimacy with church members.
- In my experience, losing friendships can be as hard (or much harder) on the spouses than the ministers.
- People like to talk about ministers. Because people are watching so closely, we often crave privacy. Without knowing it, we can “wall people out.”
- Church members can be mean.
Enough said.
Please add some of your thoughts.
Visit 
-It bugs me to no end when people say something then excuse themselves on the basis that I’m a pastor. Please feel free to cuss. My world is too censored Christian, I need real conversation!
-The moment I became a pastor was also the moment I suddenly knew everything about God and the Bible. Small groups would never be the same. Death would never be the same. Conversations would never be the same. Hard times would never be the same. Friendship would never be the same. No matter what the situation people always turn their heads to the pastor for the correct answer. When can I be the student?
-The fish bowl stinks! Why should people care what kinds of stuff I buy at the grocery store?
-The hardest part for me is that I’m a teacher of the Word. My life and words directly influence how people view God and what people think about God. If my life is an example…we are all doomed. We all know in what regards Jesus says teachers of the law will be held…and I take that very seriously!
As a lay-person, I understand and agree with your post entirely…and I’m embarrassed to be able to do that. As a lay-leader, I’ve seen friendships between staff and congregation blown up for things that, long-term, have no effect on the kingdom of God. Thankfully, I have two former pastors whom I count as some of my best friends…but it wasn’t easy. Seeing what I’ve seen, I’m not sure if I was a pastor that I’d want to get too close either…because there’s too much to lose.
That’s just sad, isn’t it?
Well said Aaron!
It’s always humorous when I’m calling someone’s house who attends our church and they answer the phone either somewhat rude, yelling… and I say this is so and so from LC and their entire tone changes.
My wife and I were invited to a 30th birthday party for a couple in our LifeGroup. There were a lot of people at the party including: parents, friends…. Some of which were drinking some were not. One of the ladies informed me that some people that attend LifeChurch saw us walking up said that’s the “LifeChurch Pastor” and began to put there drinks down. She informed me that she smiled and said
Thanks for inviting us and thanks for allowing us to be “Scott and LaKendria!” :-)
Good Stuff Craig, looking forward to the next four posts.
I have only been in ministry for 8 years, but understand a lot of this already. I have found that people do end up treating or acting differently around me and my wife. We have even gone out to eat with some couples and have “suprised” some in the group in a bad way that did not know we were coming too. This makes close friendships hard and sometimes uncomfortable.
There are a lot of other stories that I could share, but I’ll pass for now. I’m looking forward to the rest of the posts this week.
I have experienced all of this as well, but have made a decision to intentionally dispose the myths of the super-pastor. I try very hard to be authentic. I won’t be anyone else but me.
I gotta say, being a pastor’s wife is really weird too. Sometimes I feel like it’s my “dirty little secret.” I don’t want anyone to know that my husband is a (ominous music here) PASTOR!! It suddenly turns me into Helen Lovejoy in their terrified minds.
Fortunately, I still have friends who know me–who’ve known me from childhood. They know that because I married Josh that I didn’t suddenly get a personality transplant and turn into a sniping, judging monster! They allow me to be who I am without any judgement from their eyes either.
It’s good to cultivate those friendships in your life that you know will not be transient.
I come from a different perspective because of my age (55). I was “bred” as a pastor that pastors NEVER have intimate friendships, NEVER have close friends and NEVER let down your guard! I have been lousy at those rules. I am a social creature and I love people! I crave doing things and being with people (even when riding my bike. The miles go easier and seem less painful when I have someone to talk to). It was always hard for me to know where to draw the line i.e how much to tell, how much to be open, how much to trust. Betrayals happen but so does a whole lot of joy. I would say “be authentic” but also “be wise” in your authenticity.
I wonder if this is why Jesus had disciples? Great post, thank you so much for comforting us. -a pastor
I find my struggle is that many people want me to be their best friend (not because I am such a great guy…or am I…realy I’m not. :)) When I fail to be their best friend I become their bigest letdown…
I am really looking forward to the rest of these posts.
Recently, I was in Arkansas providing relief after the Tornado went through. I was speaking with this man who was helping as well but cursed like a sailor. I didn’t tell him I was a pastor but just listened to the guy because he was real and he was sharing. I appreciated his authenticity. A couple of days later someone told him I was a pastor and he apologized for his language. I told him he was real and he was honest. Don’t apologize because I’m a pastor. I won’t.
[...] and church members act differently around the Warden and the Pastor (In Craig’s post today he talks about members talking different to [...]
It’s hard for me to let people in… I tend to always put walls up… I had a friend who let me have it when she thought I was doing something that wasn’t becoming of a “pastor” it was hard for me to understand as I’m just now learning how important the role is and how people view it… I’m still learning… it’s hard!
Bill, Thanks for your valuable perspective. I hope you’ll continue to help in the discussion.
One of my mentors (now 60+) taught me not to be friends with church members. I agree with you wholeheartedly that we must be authentic.
Jarret… “When I failed to become their best friend I became their biggest letdown.” Well said.
I think a lot of this is true for many different ministry roles. I was a worship leader for two years before being moved into a pastoral role, and while the forced isolation is more intense now - it was always there as a worship leader too.
Even as an executive pastor is did not fully comprehend the stuff the senior pastor experienced until i became one 7 years ago. My wife has also gone through a lot. We crave deeper relationships. I also realize some of the walls we have faced, we have built ourselves!
Aaron mentioned always being looked to for answers.
“When can I be a student?”
Aaron,
I had to intentionally seek out ways to learn. As a staff member I do not attend church the same anymore and this began to wear on me. This blog is the biggest one for me. Not only do I read it, it has tons of links to valuable resources! I am working on reading my fourth book from the “Bobby/Craig is reading” list on the right.
It is safe to assume lots of work goes into making this website happen. Use it to the fullest.
Brandon
Craig,
I could relate to all that have been mentioned. I also think it is hard on children.
Here is what I have noticed. If a lay person is unhappy at work but loves their church they just find another job. Usually it doesn’t involve moving– but sometimes it does. If they love their job but for some reason feel led to change churches they can and still stay in their same house. The family isn’t put into turmoil.
But in ministry, very rarely can you change “jobs/churches” without moving away from where you live. This has been very difficult on my children. That is why when I resigned in November that I was determined to work a secular job if I had to so that my kids didn’t have to move again. Thankfully, an “Experiencing God” moment happened when I walked in to talk with a church planter I had a relationship with here and he asked me to join his staff. This is the first time in ministry that I have moved to another ministry but not moved.
Thanks for the “note” near the top. Though I get to serve as a primary leader, I am not a pastor at my church.
I will be reading, “listening” and learning. :)
I can very much relate to this. All of it, actually. One of the questions I have is:
- who can you vent to, talk to about church stuff, ask for advice about dealing with certain people? You can’t talk to church members about those things (even if they are a close friend) and you can wear your wife’s ear out. That’s one thing I’ve struggled with over the years, finding someone outside my circle who I can confide in. How about you guys?
Dang, this is a good conversation. Here are my thoughts… Because I work in ministry, the ministry belongs to the people, (i.e.’the church’). Some of these people are my close friends. Yet when something occurs in said ministry that I cannot discuss with even my closest friends… then I inadvertently alienate those friends. The lines are fuzzy. Work life and personal life are not clearly distinguished. My husband can allude to a challenging situation with his company and its taken at face value. I can allude to a challenging situation at the church and its not as easily dismissed.
Makes it a lot easier to just keep people at a distance. You don’t feel as if you’re constantly letting everyone down.
I’m a pastor, but not a lead pastor. I recognize the vast difference in responses to the different roles. The responses are quite comical to me being a pastor…”oh, uh, hello, uh, Father.” But in the end I am not nearly as alienated as lead pastors.
I have several “lead” pastors in my life, and I make sure I am intentionally investing in them. No stings attached, no censorship, no expectations.
So many people take from Pastors, it’s amazing what lunch and a couple of questions about them can do.
I think we have to admit and talk about the fact that we have been a part of the problem. Have we helped create the very monster that is going to kill us?
Yes, people have a tendency to put pastors on a pedastal of sorts. Also true, pastors like the pedastal. Maybe we just cannot have it both ways?
So at 28, I am learning to step down off the pedastal every single day and insist that what people say about me and my role and what I often think about me and my role is not always true. I want God to have the loudest minority voice in my life. God says I am a servant and its hard to serve from atop a pedestal.
Here are some ideas and experiences from our young church-plant: Leadership is necessary. Leaders and charismatic stage personalities are not one in the same. We need a new kind of leader for an emerging generation. What we need is courage. It will take courage to lead into an uncharted future. It will require courage for people to receive the gift of the church, to allow the church to be released from the hands of the professionals into the hands of the people who are priests in their own right. Leaders give and serve and sacrifice. Leaders are not over or higher. The traditional hierarchies are being flattened leaving only Jesus at the head.and leaders worshipping, loving and leading right alongside of people. No one more important than another, imagine a square rather than a pyramid.
That’s hard. I know it’s true and I wish it wasn’t. The more you try to take yourself off the pedestal the more people want to life you higher and judge you stricter.
I realize this comes with the territory but how do you keep from living a fake life and try to measure up to expectations?
Brad Ruggles
http://www.bradruggles.com
Ben, I absolutely agree that we are part of the problem. I hope we can talk about how we overcome our challenges…
Brad asked, “I realize this comes with the territory but how do you keep from living a fake life and try to measure up to expectations?”
What do you all think?
Thank you for bringing up this topic! I’m a layperson, and a LifeGroup leader on a temporary hiatus. I got a small taste of how people viewed a ’spiritual leader’ as a small group leader and was not really prepared for it. I shed many tears if someone were to leave our lifegroup, even if it was to start their own (that’s the whole point isn’t it??). I got wore out with constant texts or phone calls from people not really wanting to change or grow, (just complain) and realized that every one of my actions was judged by a group. The benefits were amazing though, as people’s lives were changing and knowing that God used me and my family for a small part of that is awesome. Our lifegroup was directly responsible for some significant personal spiritual and emotional growth.
I have found that having a close relationship with a pastor requires spiritual and emotional maturity on the part of the lay-person. Letting your pastor friend be real without judging. Being a TRUE confidant and not revealing the details of conversations that were spoken in private. (That’s what y’all are supposed to do right?!) Having a GOOD understanding of all of our human-ness. Being willing to challenge a thought, and listen to spiritual leadership at the same time. It’s a fine line sometimes. I like the fact that I can swear in front of my pastor, even though he DOES remind me that it’s something I’ve asked him to hold me accountable for!
Great topic. Lots of thoughts here, sorry for the novella.
Blessings,
Jason
I guess that authenticity is the only way to live it out. We have to be honest with those who attend our churches when they hurt our feelings and we have to give them room to do the same with us. I wouldn’t trade it for the world though and becoming a pastor requires coming to grips with this issue.
Bill…thank you for your comment “I would say “be authentic” but also “be wise” in your authenticity.”
Having that wisdom to “be wise” is so valuable.
What about close friendships within your team (staff)members? I find the temptation to be guarded with those on my current team due to a deep betrayal from a previous friend and staff member in another place. My baggage, I realize. Your thoughts?
At 62 I may be too old for this conversation, but for what its worth — I think that, in general, friendships need to be separated from work at this level. A Secular analogy of being the “boss” applies. To have the kind of ‘real’ and ‘open’ relationships I think folks are talking about you need to be away from your ’sphere of influence’. Personally this has meant having long term friends, who I do not work with, but who are in ministry as well. These 20+ yr friends have much in common with my life. The trick is that they are long distance friendships. The good news is that they have the openness and reality that I think we need to stay healthy. The bad news is that they are hard work. We get together face to face 3 times a year. That means travel and expense, but in reality they are what holds me together during tough times. Our friendships have survived divorce, alcoholism and lots of pain and suffering trying to be in ministry. I have survived firing and even a change of denominational alignment. We are silly together; my sense of humor (arrested at age 13) comes out. We exchange Christmas gifts and send birthday cards some of which should never be seen by congregational members. Call each other when we are in trouble or feel like celebrating. We cry and laugh and hold each other in prayer. Hard to find and maintain –but well worth the effort.
Rob said: “So many people take from Pastors, it’s amazing what lunch and a couple of questions about them can do.”
People do take from us constantly. While I enjoy the giving because that’s what God made me to do, I find very few willing to give back…to take me to lunch and ask me the questions. Would it be hard to answer them? Absolutely…but I would love to have that option. When I’m in the room or at the table, people want me to carry the conversation and ask the questions.
I guess it appears we have all the answers since we do the teaching. If they only knew…
Craig,
Thanks for writing this post - its a great topic and an ongoing struggle. For me, the challenge is two fold. I am the only one of my peers whose job is routinely evaluated by his friends. (”What did you think of the sermon….how can the church be better….etc.) On the flip side, I’m the only friend among my peers who gets up every week and preaches to them. Its an odd dynamic and takes grace on both sides.
I grew up in a pastor’s home. I have always lived in the “fishbowl” environment. As a pastor, I am myself, I have learned not to listen to criticism. On the other hand, my wife was new to all the Church funk, and it took years for her to get past the people talking, leaving, and watching her. My children have asked me “dad, I thought those people liked us, why did they say that, or why did they leave?” You must guard your family. And remember, we serve Christ first.
As far as friends. The deepest friendships are with my staff. Many ministers teach that you have to keep staff people at arms length “if they really get to know you they won’t respect you” stuff. We have all dealt with people close to us doing something crazy, but for me, my staff is family.
For me it’s simple, I won’t hire a key staff person who I can’t do life with, or wouldn’t consider a close friend.
One problem with this…fireing a friend is hard.
One of the biggest struggles I have faced with friendships and pastoring is that when push comes to shove, I have to choose what’s best for the church, even when that goes contrary to my friends’ opinions.
It gets very confusing for my friends when I have to jump to pastor-mode. It’s a rare relationship that can handle the change.
My husband (a pastor as well) and I try to keep church talk to a minimum when we’re out with people socially. It doesn’t solve it all, but it helps us keep things a little less confused.
Craig,
these have been great comments and conversation. I have always struggled with friendships in the pastorate. I just recently left a church that I pastored and have moved into a tentmaker and church planter. Our best friends in the church we pastored were our next door neighbors, who we had the privilege to lead to the Lord and lead them into our church family. Needless to say, they were the first ones we told that we were leaving. They were crushed, but they have grown since we left and still keep in contact with us. When you come to be close to your spiritual children it is hard not to disappoint them and let them down. I think that our Authenticity was what drew them to us. They would say many times, “You’re not like any other pastor we have met.” Saying that, I would not trade my ministry for anything.
sometimes I feel that all church ‘friends’ want is the inside scoop on what’s happening, or going to happen. little do they know that the minister often times doesn’t know either - much less the minister’s spouse (me). i don’t know how many times on sunday i was asked why we are now running out of doughnuts early, or blah, blah, blah. sometimes i make up crap just to get them to leave me alone - for instance this sunday i told them “don’t know ’bout the doughnut holes, but did your hear about craig and Amy?”
kidding on the craig/amy part. but really, they can be sever takers and discarders of persons if you don’t have the gossip - OK, now I’ll go back and listen to the hostage video AGAIN!!!
I’m a pastor.
Here’s the problem as I see it. The more you open up to someone the deeper the wound and pain will be if they choose to hurt you.
But the more you close yourself up, the less authentic you become (the less people are able to relate to you and the words you speak). We promote this incredible teaching of loving God and loving each other, but that’s impossible to do when we have these walls built around us.
Maybe I’m simplifying things too much.
It’s a frustrating choice: open up and be hurt or close up and create a hypocritical/poisonous church culture.
Now, i write all this with the understanding that my wounds have not been as bad as many pastor’s I know. Maybe my perspective will change when someone really does rip my heart out.
I’ve always found encouragement from Moses. In the early part of his leading the Israelites, whenever he was criticized, he would fall face down on the ground and wait for God to show up and defend/rescue him. Wow….what faith in God.
This has been a great post Craig and all who have responded. To take it further…I just finished reading Craig’s “Confessions of a Pastor” for the 2nd time and as I read it I began thinking “what would it be like to be this transparent from the pulpit?” I sense God’s nudge in that direction using the book as my jumping off point and THE BOOK as my “go to place.” What do you think folks? Anyone else read the book and decided to become that transparent? What happened…good and bad? I want to hear the bad stuff especially since I don’t want to lose my job! :)
my husband and i are in the first few years of ministry and i completely agree with this! it isn’t easy but it is encouraging to know we are not alone. thanks!:)
Not sure if someone has commented on this already, but I have found (in my very short time in leadership) that people often seek attention/connection from/with me (as one of their leaders), but can completely ignore my wife! How hard it must be for partners (male or female) of Christian leaders.
dan
Bill,
I have read the “confessions” book and given out at least 7 copies as well (I want my commission :) ). I love it. It helped reinforce what I believed, I have always been transparent, authentic, vulnerable, etc. I have been criticized for it, and I needed the encouragement from Craig’s book…
I try to do that with relationships of people in our church, the hurts are greater when you let yourself really care…But Garth Brooks said it best, “I would have missed the pain, but I’d of had to miss the dance.”
My life is a fish bowl! Every student comments on everything I do wrong and never what I do right! Many of them, because I am close to their age, want to hang out with me. When I say I can’t because I have to go home to my family, it is a tremendous let down for them!
The ones who are “closer” to me expect favors (like free food and shirts) and get upset when they don’t receive them.
My wife and I yearn for a close relationship with people but: 1. Don’t have the time to cultivate one (especially with a 4, 2 and 1 year old) 2. feel weird around people because they won’t act normal with us and 3. we have really random work hours (um 24/7?) because of working with college students.
I look forward to the next post!
Definitely an interesting topic, Craig. I can totally relate to ‘the Fish Bowl’ lifestyle and the struggle to get close to people. While I make friends easily, because of personality, it is still a struggle as a pastor (for the reasons already mentioned).
Pastors who get close to people are also sometimes accused of “playing favorites.”
Craig, you’re absolutely spot on writing about this. I imagine many of us pastors have stories to tell about hurt and pain as we’ve lost friendships and felt ‘betrayed’ by people that saw our humanity and judged us. I have personally walked some of the ‘darkest’ seasons of my life since I became a lead pastor. The biggest thing I discovered is that we have to somehow learn the balance of developing thick skin yet maintaining soft hearts. I wrote a blog post on this which I titled “I’m trying to be an egg.” The idea is that an egg is hardshelled so that it can protect the nutrients on the inside. The real value of an egg is eating the soft nutritious interior (at least for most people). As pastors, the greatest gift we give to people is the gift that is on the inside of us, which we must learn to protect from becoming bitter, angry, resentful and all the other things we can so easily become as we experience the potential pitfalls of pastoring people. The only way we protect it is by developing “thick” skin that isn’t overly sensitive to every critical voice, while maintaining soft maleable hearts. (Forgive the dissertation, this one is close to home for me) :)
Jesus chose and discipled His friends… I like that.
I love my friendships!
Joseph,
I sense a book forthcoming: “Thick Skin, Soft Heart”.
Chilly,
Quite true but one of those betrayed Him to death.
Craig awesome post I am really looking forward to the rest of the week.
You hit the nail on the head, I find that my closest friendships are with people outside my church and often times with non-Christians.
I find that they accept me as a person, warts and all and do not judge me. Very, very few church members afford me that. I find that is very hard on my family. People long to be close to the “pastor” and you let people into your lives they hang around for a while get disappointed and move on and blast you on the way out, my poor wife feel used and abandoned. I feel bad for my kids, they’ll ask why “so and so” doesn’t come to see them any more. It gets to the point where you don’t want to let anyone close.
After 12 years in one church I have enough wounds from “friends” to last a lifetime.
Pastor are people, we have weaknesses and struggles, we have faults, we are just men, we have a high calling and that is a heavy burden to bear, the people we try to serve should understand that, but way to many do not.
So most of my friends are fellow ministers and non-Christians and only a very, very select few church members.
i’ve seen many of the challenges mentioned above from the perspective of member and leader. what i came to understand is what a few of the folks have already mentioned - there is a boss vs employee or seller vs buyer relationship that has been established in the church today. the congregants are really consumers of what the staff, led by the senior pastor, are serving. so almost by definition there cannot be close personal ties between the seller and buyer.
this is why i left to be part of a house church - it’s so much more than just sunday lectures. there are no awkward moments because we share in the responsibility for learning, living and loving. there’s no laity and clergy! sure, there are problems at times but it’s much easier to find resolution than i’ve ever seen in corporate christianity.
I may be getting off on a sub-topic here, but…
Over the last few years I’ve found one of my biggest “authenticity obstacles” is the tension of being an associate (worship) pastor.
I have several close “church” friendships in which I can’t be real/honest with my personal struggles - particularly in the area of my life that mean the most to me: ministry.
As an associate, I feel (strongly) that it’s highly unwise and inappropriate to share the disagreements I have with my senior pastor. In those rare struggles, it would be destructive to share my personal feelings with my friends. Destructive in the short-term for their personal spiritual walk, and destructive long-term for the church.
God has not called me to be the shot-caller/vision-setter/leader of the church, and I am thankful every day not to have to carry that responsibility.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a (personal) opinions about what I’m spiritually most passionate about - the ministry - and I can’t enlist the help of my brothers to help me get my head/heart right. I’m on my own.
(I know it probably sounds like I’m one of those associates who don’t trust God or their senior pastor - but I’m not that guy.)
I’m just trying to be honest about my challenges with ministry friendships…
I’m not a “pastor” by title but work in full time ministry and have felt alienated my whole life it just changes when you begin ministy as an occupation…the way people view you changes. It is someitmes tough, as many have mentioned, knowing how and who it is ok to be transparent and authentic with.
Being a young leader adds to the challenge, because the lines and roles become fuzzy.
It is a part of my daily prayers to walk thru the moments of life as authentic being. To share the ups, downs, the joys, the disappointments, and etc… At times it is uncomfortable to share but that is when I know that my prayers are being answered. I am exceedingly blessed to have ministry friends all over the world. But part of having those friendships meant (and still means) being a friend first. It means being willing to get hurt, be used, laughed at, and even walked away from. Fortunately for all of us… His faithfulness remains even when our compassion can seemingly fail us. You each were just prayed for.. Thanks Craig for the conversation.
I think this is especially true for those of us in local lay ministry. I am a “pseudo staff” member at our church: my actual ministry is at the university. I have an office and access to the copier, etc, but no one “gets” me. The issues I am faced with daily are not understood by anyone else.
As a music pastor’s wife we were told by the pastor in our first church not to make close friends. We were there for a year, and that was fine. However, we were 14 years in our second church and 12 years in our third church. We surrounded ourselves with three or four other couples also involved in the music ministry to mentor and just plain be friends with. We often had them in our home for dinner and vice-versa. We went camping with them. We were authentic, and so were they. We raised our children together, and how great it is to still be able to visit with them and “pick up where we left off.” We feel so blessed to have these friends! They are the ones we still call upon to pray with us and vice-versa. By the way, we also made great efforts to spend time with others besides the small group. After musicals, we would invite crowds of people (20-30) to our home for a bite to eat. It paid very real dividends. We were able to have an impact in the lives of these people and love them. Ministry is about people, so why shouldn’t we get into their worlds if they are willing to be a part of ours?
I’ve been a youth pastor for a little over a year now. And I was just getting ready to buy my first house, and one of my biggest hesitations was that I feared that I would lose all the privacy that I currently have.
Along with the responsibility of being a home owner, I felt pressure to always have people over, students always wanting to hang out, and friends and (yes, even church members who I apparently draw, but wish I didn’t) would randomly stop by. No more privacy.
Being a pastor is hard for me because at any moment, in any conversation, I am subject to turning into pastor Chris. At any moment I am on call. That is what is so hard for me.
And by the way, I didn’t end up buying that house. And I’m glad for it!
What an amazing entry. I am a pastors daughter and church staff member as well. I have seen this in my parents life and boy does it suck, but it ends up being worth it when you know you are doing what God wants you to.
Above one person said it’s also hard on the kids… I completely agree. Me and my sister tend to want to protect our parents as they lead and do an amazing job. It’s hard to see the people that my parents have relationship with leave the church and not in the right spirit…but again I have seen my parents learn and grow from all those experiences. And through it they’ve encouraged me and my sister to not harbor bitterness and offense in all those situations.
I admire and respect all that you pastors do. I know its not an easy job, and I know that God will bless you for it.:)
On letting go of friend/members who have left the church: I have a brother that is a pastor in NC. He uses the “3 call” rule, that is he’ll make contact 3 times and if it meets with little or no response he feels free to release that person. If they call back some time later then great, but for now, they don’t want to be “bothered.”
I think it sets a boundary before hand (in my mind, at least) that I’ve done what I can, now it is up to God to bring them back. Always with attitude of the prodigal son’s father when they do come back. Which is easier because I didn’t let bitterness creep in when they left.
I am one of those pastors who crave the privacy because I feel like people are watching so closely. So I tend to stay guarded from having those close friendships outside of the church staff. That is an area I really need to work on in my life.
I’ve been in the ministry for some time and I have tried it both ways. Being open and honest with people and trying to be their friends. Also holding people at a distance because I was afraid of being hurt again.
I believe we need to have a balance. I found when I am too open and honest with church members they tend to back away from me and question my spirituality or they use that information as a way to gain leverage over me. Neither I liked. That also lead to me wondering if they were my friends because I was the pastor. Some people like to be around people with “power”.
Holding people at arms length doesn’t do anyone any good either. I had been hurt so much that I got to the point that I didn’t want to meet anyone new because I wondered when they were going to hurt me too. People began to wonder if I cared about them because I didn’t want to be around them.
I have many close friends who happen to be pastors. They are the ones I talk to about this stuff because they understand. I once tried to explain to a couple of guys in my church about what I went through as a pastor and they said they understood. That they go through the same stuff at their work places. I just looked at them and realized that they cannot understand something they know nothing about much less experienced themselves.
Well I think I posted too much and will end it here.
My wife and I are not old school about friendships and authenticity. In fact, authenticity is usually noted as a distinguishing characteristic of our ministry and church community. Yet, after 26 years we have noticed two things about friendships within the church community.
One, every couple that “transcended” pastor/member friendship so that we could engage socially with freedom, ends up leaving! Not necessarily for other churches or with hard feelings, but without exception they don’t last long. These losses are more painful than members leaving for other churches and taking potshots in the process.
Two, never…and I mean never, open up and trust the person in the congregation that early on expresses his desire to be the pastor’s friend. Frienships may happen but in our experience are not announced early on in the relationship.
Are we cynical? Have we quit praying for or seeking “transcendent friendships” in the church? We are maybe a little skeptical but we still seek out friends. But we do share a quiet lonliness as a cost of leadership or a refining discipline,every time we make such friends and then see them depart. We do not have as many “close” friends as we thought we would at our age(55)but cherish the ones we do have. I’m not sure in this we are any different than lay people. We have way too many relationships as a result of our ministries that require time and maintenance to give to a great number of friendships.
Great topic.
Dave Mobley
Friends??? what’s that?????