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Signs of Immaturity 2 (of 4)
Defensiveness
As a younger pastor, whenever someone would criticize me (constructive or otherwise), I’d find myself being very defensive.
Who do they think they are criticizing me?
Whenever someone offered valuable advice or suggestions, I’d “wall-up” and not listen.
- Someone might give me advice on how I could deepen my teaching, but I’d write them off as not caring about those without Christ.
- Another might give me advice about growing in my personal interactions, but I’d blow off their advice.
- Some suggested that I not be so “edgy” with crude humor, but I thought they didn’t know how to reach people.
Because of my defensiveness, I missed out on a lot of valuable advice.
I’m watching a lot of talented, gifted, anointed young leaders around the country. Most of these powerful young leaders are also very defensive.
Jesus didn’t feel the need to constantly defend himself. He simply did what the Father told him to do.
Where are you overly defensive?
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Great post! I’ve really been trying to allow God to speak to me through the advise of others. I’ve learned that a lot of the time they have my best interest in mind. And I’m learning to have the disernment to know when they don’t as well. I’m really enjoying growing as a leader…and by the looks of things I’ll be doing it for quite a while!
This is so important-and it always good to be reminded of it
I get overly defensive when some says something about a character flaw. Because that is personal. Ministry stuff I can shrug off (sometimes) but when someone attacks a stance I have a get fired up. I don’t care if they disagree that is fine and dandy but if they begin to attack it makes me want to go “Chuck Norris” on ‘em.
Are you calling me out? What do you REALLY mean? I’m not defensive are you saying I’m defensive? … Ha! Ha!
It honestly depends on “What” is being said and “Who” is trying to speak into my life!
This is an area that I have and continue to struggle in. Because of my defensiveness I am sure I have missed out on many opportunities to grow. I hope I can continue to grow in this area. Thank you for challenging me!
i am overly defensive when people have better ideas. i guess i have a pride/ego problem.
criticism can come from a place where people are really coming down on you or from a place of wanting to help - either way… i need to recognize how to use it and not “wall up.”
These are great thoughts. One of the reasons it’s so hard to take constructive criticisms of others, is because we so rarely see it taken well in our mentors and leaders. Letting others speak it into my life is a painful but necessary part of submitting to the authority of others.
If only I had listened to my wife.
this is good stuff… not being defensive comes out of a heart that is secure in who they are…
I’ve learned a lot about not taking criticism personal… not “walling up” but keeping an open mind and heart and always wanting to be better…
thanks for teaching us, Craig!
I probably deal with this one…I tend to get defensive. I think it could be partly from self-esteem and a lack of not knowing who I truly am in Christ. This one ties in strongly to yesterday as well.
JD said,
…
The good news is… I think it is beginning to change…the bad news is that no one will have any excuses…
Willow Creek, and Craig are two excellent examples of leaders who take criticism, and learn from it. (I thank God for His work in the inner hearts of these leaders).
I think overdefensiveness comes as young leaders when admitting fault is seen as weakness… that’s a cultural perspective …
In Jesus’ world humility goes before honor…
Taking criticism is key to a growing ministry…
This series rocks!
As someone who has had the gift to sit under great teaching at Asbury Seminary, I can sometimes get defensive with those who question the validity/benefit of a seminary education.
Stephen, I am guessing that you are joking (maybe not) about listening to your wife.
I have noticed that I can be especially defensive when Amy offers constructive criticism. I’ve found, though, that she is more honest with me than virtually anyone. Our spouses can be one of our greatest sources of sound advice.
This blog helped me formalize thoughts I’ve been having. My wife wants me to “stick up for myself” when our senior pastor is being critical of me or some random detail of the youth ministry. I’ve been trying to explain to her, unsuccesfully, why I won’t (not cause I’m scared or I let people walk all over me). Now after reading this I know why I don’t feel the need to defend myself and that is because I’m not defensive. I don’t need to defend every little action I take, or every little misunderstanding. I don’t need to be defensive. In fact, most of the time, I did blow it, just not how he says I did.
great post!
a lot of times the first two signs go hand in hand. knowing it all and being confronted in any way, can cause us to go on the defensive immediately. but realizing we don’t know it all, helps us be less defensive and open to what others have to say…even if there is no validity to what they are saying.
Thanks so much for this series. I’ve been burned by this one. When it comes down to it, I often struggle to believe in God’s calling on my life. Therefore, I have to PROVE it to myself and others rather than simply trusting God when I’m wrong and when I’m right.
my biggest challenge on this is to listen and not speak until the critique is done…i think leadership roles are probably wired up for an “extra” dose of critiquing and when things go wrong/ people want to talk to the person in charge.i know i have to work really hard at overcoming my hardwiring to respond in defense or have some brilliant comeback of why they are wrong. i think im getting better at this each year, though still after all this time i still have to internally “coach” my mind and emotions in the moment to love, listen, and to be about the solution. and not be overly sensitive to it.
mike.
Craig, I agree with you that it is sometimes easy to get defensive with our spouses. Generally when I think about feedback my wife has given me, she is right on the money, she knows me best.
I enjoy constructive or even negative feedback; I think that it’s my love language.
It allows me to ask the question “What If” what they are saying is true, good, right, wrong, helpful…”
I just spent an hour responding to a string of challenging questions about the curriculum I write (KONNECT) by someone who serves in it. I enjoyed responding to him because, like Scott, I love it. I take it as a compliment that someone else gives a rip about what I’m doing enough to take the time to debate it.
Unfortunately, I can be quick to determine the other person just doesn’t know what they’re talking about and dismiss them. That’s why I value comments from guys like the one today. He’s in the room with the kids every week so his opinion is valid no matter what.
I used to pride myself in being really good at taking critique, even the really tough stuff. I now realize that was just a front to being insecure in my leadership.
Most of the time what feels like an attack on my leadership is in reality a critique from people who are trying to affirm and strengthen the leadership potential they see.
Comparison can also take us down the wrong path!
This is a great series. I am usually not defensive when people criticize me. That’s easy to accept b/c I know my own faults and I know when someone is pointing out something valid or when I’ve simply been misunderstood.What really makes me defensive is when people criticize the church. It’s easy to receive when I know it’s coming from someone who loves and cares about us and the church, but random comments and anonymous emails just tick me off! I try not engage it, but I often fail.
I am mostly defensive with Chris. I’m convinced this is due to the fact that he knows me better than anyone. He’s all up in my “bidness” and sometimes that just stinks. I am working on this EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY DAY, though. He also happens to love me the most…why wouldn’t I expect him to want the best for me? Geez.
Signed,
The Forever Student
Yeah, that’s a tough one. I think our natural reaction is to defend ourselves and our ideas. I think learning to listen and learn from criticism is hard to do. Once we can break out of our narrow mindset we begin to see things from other people’s point of view…even if they are not able to clearly or kindly articulate it.
I’m still working on this one!
Brad Ruggles
http://www.bradruggles.com
I have a tendency to be defensive with the people who I said I wouldn’t get defensive with. I especially tend to get defensive with people who think they know it all, because sometimes I think I do.
I get overly defensive when I don’t know something. I find myself feeling like I need to know it all! I’m learing though so there’s hope.
Man, you can hammer me about anything, personally or ministry, I’m a glutton for punishment and usually keep a pretty good perspective. But I get a little edgy if you criticize or question me about my wife/family. You know those that may say, “what’s your wife do around here?” or “you’re screwing up your kids by homeschooling them” etc, etc… I sometimes have to count beyond 10.
Craig, man… the questions are so good. Wow, I can so relate to you. I pray I accept it well.
Isn’t it funny (not ha-ha funny) how so many pastors hide behind the “touch not the Lord’s anointed” Scripture when it has nothing to do with us anyway? We don’t like what someone tells us so we “run” to that Scripture. Just ask me how it is done. I have a history with that one.
Me,I’m just defensive about me. WOW! that’s eye opening! Thanks
Defensiveness is usually the indicator of a possible lack of humility, which should be the focus. Some people need to be shown the door, but Spirit-filled believers will do it in a kind way (Gal.5:22-23). Concentrate on cultivating a humble heart, then you will only defend what needs to be defended!
craig… this post was so timely for me. i tend to get defensive with the people who are closest to me, and they are the ones i need to be listening to the most. i really needed to be reminded of this. thanks.