Tough Conversations 4 (of 4)
Following Up
I’ve noticed that following a tough conversation with someone, one (or both) parties often avoid each other. I recommend against this. (Obviously, there will be exceptions in extreme cases.)
In most cases following a challenging conversation, you’ll likely want to allow for a “cooling” period. Once adequate time has passed—it could be hours, days, or weeks—you might consider touching base.
When you talk, you’ll want to express genuine concern. If you don’t mean something, don’t say it. Don’t promise something you won’t (or can’t) deliver. Even if the other person is bitter, make it a rule not to speak badly about him or her. When someone asks what happened, be honest but kind.
When someone asks me about a staff member who’s no longer with the team, I always try to brag on whatever I can about the person. I’ll talk about his character or her family or something they contributed to the ministry. If I’m pressed to give a reason for the termination, I’ll simply explain that we determined this person wasn’t the right fit for what we needed at this time or in this season. Then I’ll try to speak highly of the person again.
Don’t be afraid of the tough conversations. Be afraid of what happens when you don’t have the tough conversations.
What is God showing you about this subject? Do you need to have a tough conversation with someone?
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I think that speaking highly of someone after they are gone, shows a lot of class. The team member is already gone, so it isn’t necessary to “rub it in” and say they were %^&#%&#@! You simply say they have been “sent out” for a new season in their life or “they were not in the right seat on the bus.”
I personally like to speak to individuals shortly after the cooling off period; it may be awkward, however it is more awkward not talking.
I have never been in a position to terminate someone but I have seen and have personally been through relationship FALLOUT! So here is a question. If the person you terminate slanders you to others behind your back…How do YOU handle this? When you see them… do you walk by, smile, say hello… when inside your annoyed or do you confront them again?
This is a hard one for me at times…when I know someone doesn’t like me (gossip involved) and they give me the fake “How are you?” Inside I am just thinking…please let’s not pretend and “do this”… let’s both just keep on walking. I usually “grit” a smile (yuck) and get through it. The moment feels so fake but at least I am trying…still a little fuzzy on what’s right!
Jenn - In another life, I was one who was being “encouraged to leave” for reasons that were honestly unfair and a bit slanderous. The day the meeting took place, I was FIRED UP (and that is putting it mildly!)
I talked to another pastor on staff who knew what was happening and agreed it shouldn’t be, but since it was out of both of our hands, he shared with me a similar situation he had gone through at one of the churches he worked at. He told me about taking the high road, and “in humility, considering others better than yourself” - even though it sucked, I could rest in the fact I knew the truth about the situation and could decide to be respectful in my actions to the person who was causing the problems.
Even though at first, it was hard, I tried to stick with it when I’d see this person around. I’m not sure how this other person took it, but I know for me, it was a growing process. Kind of like forgiveness isn’t just for the offender, it’s for you.
Lotsalotsaprayer…deep breath…lotsalotsaprayer….
this has been a brilliant series. Clear and focused with strong action points.
thanks,
Good stuff,
I think it is wise to speak well of places you leave too.
Good wrap-up for this series of posts, Craig.
Gratefully, I do not have one of these looming on the horizon!
Your reminder about the inquiries of others is crucial. I suspect in nearly all of these types of situations, NO ONE…NO ONE!…needs to know any of the details.
I love the fact that you make an effort to say something like, “Yeah, so-and-so is making a transition. That role just was not God’s best for them. But, let me tell you this (insert positive comments.” Just a great approach.
Looking forward to what’s next…
Craig,
I actually had a tough conversation 10 days ago…and last nite saw the person at a distance. Seeing them caught me off-guard, as it was at a time that i NEVER see them (which shocked me). Unfortunately, I was caught off-guard enough that i avoided them…
Thanks (to the Holy Spirit) for the reminder (about 15 hours later) to engage in meaningful follow-up. After all, I want the best for this person and they need to know i’m sincere in that.
It has to be genuine though. I once had a boss that was a totally…well, we’ll say ‘blessing’ in this context, that told me off for something I didn’t do, made crazy accusations, then found out he was wrong and didn’t follow up! Here I was right, loyal and being treated horribly! Whatever respect I had for him was gone in that instant. Oh, and he did it at a restaurant and did the chit-chat thing for 30 minutes.
However, I learned a lot from him. Now that I lead a staff, I am committed to not being like him.
Thanks Anne for the GREAT words of wisdom and for the example…I do try and take the high road but my inside usually is saying “yuck” even though I am smiling. I am learning A LOT about emotions / feelings (fickle) and dissociating them with DOING what is right by God’s Word! Thanks Again :) You Rock!
Jenn-you and me both!! I am learning how thoughts affect emotions, which then affect behavior…and that can go both ways - thinking positively or negatively…It is so tough to change the way you think when you are “set” on something/someone/a hurt/a response…girl, I am with you there. What a journey, huh?!
The New Testament is clear in several places about cleaning up relationships that ended in offense. To me, Matt. 5:23-24 even places the burden on the offender not the offended to make the first move. Between fellow followers of Christ, the most important part of a tough conversation is making sure you’re both right with God afterwards, without residual bitterness, misunderstanding, and unforgiveness.
i think we need to be aware, especially as men, that were are not perceived as someone with whom it is difficult to have that conversation. women…wives…nothing shuts them down faster than fear and as husbands, we need to make sure we seem accessible for those times.
professionally, fear dominates again, and communication styles are critical. a short fuse and the f-bomb will keep people from sharing bad news fast, so as leaders we have to set the tone for how those conversations transpire, and in the end, someone is respected for how they addressed the matter.
…the loudest in the room is usually the weakest…
i recently spent a week getting ripped by the ceo, and it was not short of expletives. as i took the caning, i was taking solace in the fact my team does not bear wrath in our conversations.
I will be honest. In my experience, I have only seen this done right on rare occasions. Sad, I know. I have so many people that I know that have burned badly and wounded because these tough conversations were handled so poorly. To leaders who are faced with these tough conversations, I would say to them follow the heart of God. Confront with love and honesty, always make your speech uplifting about the person after the conversation, and pray for the person on the other end. They need your prayers after those conversations more than you know.
Dear Craig,
Greetings from Brazil! My name is Lívia, I’ve just read your book Confessions of a Pastor. I’m writing to say that it’s wonderful!!! I loved it!
I thank God for your life and courage and for everything that He could teach me through your book.
I don’t know many words in English so I finish here (sorry for misspellings!).
Jesus continues blessing you and your family. All the best!
Lívia
Salvador – Bahia – Brazil
Jenn asked, “If the person you terminate slanders you to others behind your back…How do YOU handle this?”
Great question. You might consider talking to the person directly about the slander. No matter what, it is important for us to do the right thing. It might be painful, but right.
Jeremy, Mike, Kevin, John, Thanks for your feedback. I’m glad the series was helpful to you.
Ryan, Anne, Kendra, Scott and Michael, Thanks for your contributions!
Livia, You made my day. Thanks for your kind words from Brazil. I pray God blesses you in every way!
Craig-
Thank you so much for your insights on this blog. I save so many posts on a file that I look at regularly. Your willingness to share your wisdom and anything else free helps us younger guys tremendously. Thank you bro!
-Matt
Craig,
I am so thankful you are fully submitted to the Lord’s leading in your life. I attend COTH and was moved by the Holy Spirit last night. A little over a week ago I resigned from my career to pursue full time ministry. The steps you shared last night spoke directly to where God has me right now!
Your humility is inspiring! Thank you again for being used by God in such a mighty way! Psalms 37:23
Faith isn’t believing God can do it, it’s Knowing He Will!
Habakukk 2:3,4
Merry Christmas,
-Jason Cooke
Thank you for this tough conversation series. I was unjustly terminated from a church and almost none of the guidelines you mentioned were followed. I’ve taken steps to have conversations with certain people to reconcile but they have gone ignored. It has been refreshing and somewhat healing for me to hear a pastor say the things you said. If my situation were handled the way you suggested, I wouldn’t have near the amount of baggage that I have today.
Matt, You are very welcome. It is fun to share ideas. Thanks for being a part.
Jason, Congrats on your faith-filled decision. I pray God blesses your journey to full time ministry.
John, I’m sorry to hear you had a tough transition out of a church. Unfortunately, we’ve handled too many staff changes the wrong way. I regret that we hurt some great people. I pray you heal quickly and glorify Christ in all you do.
favorited this one, brother