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Tough Conversations 3 (of 4)
Ending Something
At some point, you may have to have a tough conversation to end something. You might be closing a ministry. You might be moving a person to a different role. You might be removing a person from your church. You might be firing a staff member.
If you’ve been doing your job up to this point, in most cases, you will have already had multiple tough conversations.
During this conversation, here are some things I’ve found helpful:
- It is inconsiderate to “shoot the breeze.” If you act like everything is fine before dealing the blow, it’s generally disingenuous.
- I have found that direct honesty is the best approach. I’ll often say something like, “This is going to be tough. But because I care for you, I won’t beat around the bush…” Or something like, “I know what I’m going to tell you is going to be hard to hear, so I’ll just say it directly…” (This advice may seem cruel, but in fact, it is just the opposite.)
- If your decision is firm, don’t allow debate. This will just get the person’s hopes up and could lead to more hurt.
- Don’t pass the buck. Don’t say, “This is leadership’s decision, not mine.” If you’re the one having the conversation, you must own the decision.
- Once you communicate the information, don’t drag out the meeting. Spend as much time as you need to answer questions and sincerely express your love and concern, but don’t make the person feel unnecessarily uncomfortable. He or she may simply want to leave and grieve or process the information.
What can you add?
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I absolutely agree that direct is the best course of action. For most people, especially if you the person well, it’s easy to tell when someone is about to deliver bad news.
Additionally, I think it’s a good idea to avoid a long pause of silence after you have delivered the news. It adds to the uncomfortable nature of the situation and usually doesn’t add positively to the conversation.
The first one reminds me of something one of my best friends did.
He was dating this girl, so on Valentine’s Day they did what couples do on Valentine’s Day. He had her over and cooked her dinner. He gave her flowers. Then he broke up with her.
Not cool, guy. Not cool.
Great reminders, the bottom line is that it’s not personal! You can be firm, direct, and brutally honest; while still “end something” in the spirit of Love.
It’s better to give a handshake after the meeting; as opposed to a hug. :-)
When it comes to the concept of being “brutally honest” with people, some enjoy the “burtallity” more than the “honesty.”
I think that eye contact is very important here too, especially if you are unwavering in your decision.
Be kind to people AND frim on your decision.
Craig this has been such a tough issue. For a lot of people out there were just not naturally confronters. Today had some great wisdom in it. I think I have been on both sides of it being done wrong. Sound advice.
I definitely agree with owning decision. If you say it is a leadership decision or pass the buck, that person then makes the round to all the leadership asking WHY? And that can stir up a whole host of things.
In trying to be nice, instead of direct we only make things worse. Tear the band aid off quickly, don’t peel it slowly.
My struggle is with people taking your decision personally.
I had to fire a long time friend/staff member, and I told them that it was not personal, it was based on performance & productivity. But this person could only see it as personal, a betrayal, how could I as a friend do this.
In ministry we are always laboring along side friends, we strive to build deep and meaningful relationships, and when it comes time to pull the trigger and end something, be it ministry or job, how do you keep it from being taken personally?
Even though you do want to express love and concern, when it’s dealing with these situations, it’s also good to remain objective and specific in your communication. Let the person clearly know the reasons for the decision (using wisdom, of course).
This coming from a “thinker” as opposed to a “feeler”… :)
Which also reminds me…
Know who you are communicating with and do your best to talk to them in a manner they will understand.
Thanks for your thoughts! Just approach with respect for them. I think having respect for them will help in handling the situation. And I definitely agree with Anne about understanding who you’re talking to . . .
Mike, I think you are right about the “long pause.” Thank you for a valuable added suggestion.
Patrick, Man-your friend was cold. That hurts!
Scott, You are right on this end. It might not be personal, but it will feel “nothing but personal” to the one receiving the news.
Larry, You are so right. While some avoid confrontation, others almost cruelly look forward to it. Good words.
Jason, Glad this is helpful.
Anne, You raised a good point. It is helpful to know how a person is wired when talking with them. (It is also wise to know how you come across.)
Libby, Thanks.
Cliff asked,
“In ministry we are always laboring along side friends, we strive to build deep and meaningful relationships, and when it comes time to pull the trigger and end something, be it ministry or job, how do you keep it from being taken personally?”
What advice would you give him?
A lot of times people take things “personally” when it comes as a suprise in a relationship that they thought was close.
If a “tough conversation” is a suprise, usually (not always) it is an indication that you have not been leading that person well.
Cliff,
I think that if you approach the situation prayerfully, with humility, sincere love, and grace - and communicate in an appropriate manner, and you have been leading them well, like Bobby said, that’s really all you can do.
It can certainly be difficult, but you can’t hold yourself responsible for how they react if you have done everything you can to handle it in a Christ-like manner.
Those are words from someone much smarter than me - as this is something I currently learning. :)
This is the conversation that almost never happens. Very few do this well; consequently, it just doesn’t happen. As a result, there are programs everywhere that are long past their “sell-by” date. If we thought about it the way we do food…
This is a great series, Craig. Thanks for taking the time to do it.
Wow, the timing of this series of postings is awesome. I’m getting ready to hire 2 new staff members, and have to have the final conversation with one who has been underperforming. Additionally, I’ve got to address a member of our tech team who has been gossiping about his ex-wife to other people in the congragation. I’ve talked to him about this a number of times, but it has to stop. I’m removing him from his ministry role until the behavior stops…man I don’t want to do that, but feel like I have to. Anyway, thanks for the helpful posts this week.
I’d like to hear about your thoughts on the “tough conversations” from a role reversal perspective. Leading up, if you will. When you have to have tough conversations with your leaders or supervisors that have to hear hard loving truth about their leadership abilities….
thanks,
we need to remember that to the person receiving the news it is very definitely ‘personal’. their whole world can be turned upside down, they have to face their family, they may lose possessions, they have to face their friends, etc. if you study the psychology of the human mind very few people can say to themselves - “oh, i don’t take this personally”
one of the commentors above hit the nail on the head - they stated something like “i have asked them to stop this behavior, but it has not.” That is the key - when an employee, spouse, child or friend is reprimanded/fired, it should never, ever be a real surprise. there should have been at lest two conversations preceding the firing or even formal reprimand. if there is a real problem like an affair, theft, slander, etc. it will be no suprise either - they know they did it and that’s that.
churches are the absolute worst at this, because they don’t fear lawsuits like the public company does and ministers are typically horrible managers especially personnel mangers.
never, ever fire over the internet, tv, blog, video conference, phone or any other electronic media - if you can’t do it face to face - you need another line of work and a real gut check of who you are
This is good stuff… I wished I would’ve known this a couple months ago when I broke off a relationship! Ha! J/K!
But it’s also good for ministry. I work with lots of volunteers and one of the worst things to do is “fire” a volunteer or move them to a better place… these helpful tips are great lessons if I’m ever faced with THAT tough conversation!
Craig, I suspect that “owning the decision” may the hardest for many; I know it can be a struggle for me. I also know that when I do “own” it, my integrity will not take a hit.
A truth about leadership is that there are times to delegate, but never times to abdicate.
Placing the responsibility for a hard decision on someone else squarely falls under abdication and probably will seriously wound credibility.
Thanks, as always, for how your “stirring the pot” gets me thinking; and, for how this interaction (simply typing words) can bring needed clarity.
I would have to say from experience that if you do let someone go, take care of them. There are only a few situations when you should make a hard, clean break. Severance packages, extending insurance if needed, or extra time are good in most circumstances. The worst thing is when an under-performing staff member is let go and it seems heartless. People need to know you care, because a reputation will go around about your leadership. If you can fire/reprimand someone and they still respect you - that is key!
As someone whose stomach hurts when thinking about having to do any of this, I just hope that when it gets to a point to let someone go, they really won’t find it too much of a surprise. As their supervisor or boss, we should effectively communicate from day one what’s expected so they understand any areas that need to improve and realize what consequences might be if the values and culture are not followed.
Thanks for this info Carig. It’s really great stuff, and my prayer is that I will be a better pastor because I listened and learned.
I second or third the axiom that if it’s a surprise, you’ve not done your work in the first place. the person should not be surprised. have the tough conversations.
i have found it helpful to have someone with me at that moment, too. in church life, disgruntled people can have a large audience to spread half truths about what you tell them. a second in the room with you can be a good safety net.
Cliff…
When serving alongside friends, in my experience and opinion, there is no way to keep it from being TOO personal. I think the added wisdom of love, sincerity and humility can help cushion such blows.
Ultimately, if you’re showing your humanness in the relationship, the person receiving the news is the one who will struggle with how personally they take it. My suggestion is to connect with them soon afterwards and be available to minister. Even then, they will have to decide how much they allow you to do that.
Disclaimer: this assumes the giver of the news is NOT being bone-headed in their approach?!?!
Really, the way it happens depends on context. There are several presented at the beginning of this post:
1. Professional - firing or changing the role of a staff member
2. Pastoral Shepherding - removing someone from the church or a ministry
3. Pastoral Administrative - stopping a ministry
I think context can change the “delivery” - even though all I agree that being direct is important as is taking out the “hanging out” element at the beginning of the conversation.
Good Stuff!
It’s sometimes (if not most times) best to handle these types of meetings in a public place.
Great stuff Craig, thanks!
NEVER email or text message a tough conversation.
This series has been very helpful and incredibly applicable, to my life right now. Thanks for it!
I would add: Never have a tough conversation over a meal. This leads to that “shooting the breeze” feeling. I’ve had a couple of these, in hind sight, we should have just sat in my office and made it quick.
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