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Tough Conversations 2 (of 4)
Correcting
We talked yesterday about some suggestions for confrontation. Let’s talk today about correcting a specific behavior.
- You will want to discover if the person has any extenuating circumstances. A good team player may be off her game because of personal challenges. Investigate caringly before dropping a bomb.
- The person needs to be aware of what he or she is doing wrong. You can’t assume they do. You’ll want to explain specifically.
- Don’t correct when you’re angry. You’ll say things you’ll regret.
- You’ll want to apply specific boundaries. “If this behavior continues, here is what will happen…”
- You’ll want to offer help. Ask how you can help them overcome their challenges. You don’t want to take responsibility, but you do want to let them know you care.
- You’ll have to follow up on the plan. If you don’t enforce the predetermined consequences, you are a contributor to the problem.
When has someone confronted you and made a positive difference?
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My Dad confronted me years ago when I was in high school that I was a spiritual snob to the kids his ministry (YFC) was trying to reach. It turned out he was right & I’ve been recovering ever since.
Ooh…I am trying to rack my brain. (Haven’t had my coffee yet…somebody call Juan and his Burro!!!) :) Okay! Got One!
A couple years ago, I went to a paid counselor and was trying to work though security issues. Insecurity…needing security in my life…feeling overwhelmed, unloved and out-of-control and where was this coming from? … yadda…yadda…yadda. So she confronted me with some loving but straight-forward words and then challenged me to literally draw out a life map and find the problem source MYSELF! Huh! Well, It was such an eye opener…22 moves…9 schools…5 states…6 traumatic life experiences…fighting others and even my family at times for my faith (they USED to think that “born again” meant tambourine lessons :) ). And other things I had forgotten. WOW! I never saw it until I SAW it!
a wise mentor of mine called me to the table on putting church work before my family. It’s a subtle thing that sneaks in if I don’t set boundaries and give people permission to speak into my life…daily!
Last year, I had a significant conflict with a team member in my ministry. As his supervisor / leader, I did what I could to help correct him (and he needed correcting) but I did it in anger. I let my pride get me, and I said things to him and wrote things to him when I was upset - consequently I ended up really hurting him.
A fellow leader had to take on the uncomfortable task of telling me that I was way off base in the way I handled the situation. That leader had to say some really tough things to me, but he did it in love, without anger - and it turned out to be a very meaningful experience for me. I’d say it had a huge effect on my leadership style.
At first what he had to say to me hurt my feelings simply because someone I respected was telling me that I was wrong! But after reflection, I could see that regardless of the situation, I had no right to hurt people.
I reconciled with that team member, and things have been much better since.
But even more than that, I learned to a powerful lesson about dealing with people, correcting them, and responding to even unavoidable conflict.
Thanks for this series. It’s great.
-Greg
Thanks Greg. Many times I’m too polite and I’ve seen how this has had an effect on the ministries I’ve led.
Kevin, Now I understand the title “Recovering Pharisee” on your blog. Hope your family is doing well.
Jenn, Sounds like you had a great counselor. That is a lot of moves…
Aaron, Thank God for your mentor!
Greg, Sounds like a great learning experience. I continue to have my fair share of those regularly.
Marty, It is odd how being too polite can be a bad thing at times.
I have thought a lot about the times I have been confronted…the good and the bad times, and tried to remember what made things go well. I remembering hearing that people fight over one of two things…They fight over what was said or how it was said.
So I am always trying to keep that in my mind as I confront. I want the spirit of what I say to be good, my tone to be loving…
I also want to have a prayerful ending in mind…what do i want this situation to look like when all the dust settles. That helps me navigate my way through.
Once again, great words, Craig…
A couple of years ago, I poorly stewarded a valued relationship with a friend who also was (and is) a leader in my life.
Toward the end of our “coming clean” talk, she asked me (this was amazing; not sure - even now - I could do it), “Is there anything you want to apologize for?”
WOW! That question was not at all presumptuous or narcissistic. It was precisely what I needed to be asked to truly draw me back from this detour of not fully trusting (out of fear) someone who I COULD trust.
Could you ask that question?
My older brother confronted me once about my drinking when I was in college. He simply reminded me that I was a leader and a “hero” in his kids eyes. He wanted me to continue to have that role but if I did not get my act together with my drinking, he would have to explain some things to his kids about me that would limit my time and “hero” status in their eyes. This was one of the first times I realized that there is more to life than me, myself and I. The responsibility of leadership influence and integrity is more important than my having a “good time.”
once when i was 19, i was about a month away from marrying a guy i had been dating for a couple of years. my best friend could see right through me the whole time and she drove several hours, locked me in my apartment until i had finally come to terms with myself he wasn’t the right guy. (this was also a situation where i needed to have the conversation sooner, rather than later, with him yet i waited and caused him more pain).
Skyler, I have never heard the two reasons people fight like you stated. Obviously they are other reasons people fight… (like what people did), but I love the simplicity of your statement. Thanks.
John, My wife asks me that often… :) Seriously, you raised a great point. That question could make a big difference. Thanks.
Larry, Sounds like an important conversation with your big bro. As leaders, it is easy to forget how our actions create long lasting ripples. Thanks for the story. It was great spending time with you and your team last week.
Anne, What a great friend! I’m sure your hubby is thankful for your friend’s help! :)
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i got a friend who randomly confronts me. if we don’t talk for a while - he will randomly ask me questions like:
how is your walk? how have you pushed your wife towards Jesus? what is God teaching you? have you been praying with your wife?
he is a good friend.
Once I was in a creative staff meeting at a church I was on staff at in OKC. I had set up a practical joke on the pastor that I didn’t know was a sore spot to him, and had the potential to really hurt his feelings. As I began the joke, another pastor stopped me. It made me really angry and I spouted off. Later, the other pastor pulled me into his office and told me I had been a real jerk. At first I was so mad, but as I thought about the things he was telling me, I realized there was a pattern in my life I didn’t even realize was there, and this guy cared about me enough to talk to me about it rather than writing me off. The next several months were an amazing season of growth as I processed these things and made some BIG changes. I’ll never forget it and appreciate it so much.
A great audio book on this very topic is “How to Hire, Fire, and Manage in between” By Ralph Moore.
It has been very helpful for me in several different leadership issues. Easy to listen to and very insightful with practical ideas for everyting from staff evaluations to keeping a written log of achievements and downfalls.
I am sooooo grateful for confrontation, and those who have been so bold (and loving), as to help me see when I am in error…
I remember trying to justify some sin early in my walk with Christ by quoting (or rather taking scripture out of context)….
A good mentor corrected me early, and showed me how serious and grievous an error I was making in God’s eyes…
That lesson has stuck with me, and has kept me…
I learned early that the scripture is to be taken serious, and obeyed, not taken out of context…
That lesson is one of the most important lessons as a christian I have ever had…
I thank God that man “disturbed” me into a proper use of scripture, and correcting me, and holding me accountable for the sin I was trying to justify…
I have always been bold and confrontational - I don’t have any problems with it! But, recently, God has shown me that I need to PRAY first (and wait) and allow Him an opportunity to FIX it (or fix ME - in most cases).
I think before, I didn’t really believe that God could or would fix it (certainly not in my timing. Can He really do more than we can think, ask or imagine? (eph.3:20) I thought I had to take matters into my own hands. I have learned that God can fix things in ways that I cannot understand if I just take my hands off the wheel. always learning…
Craig,
This series is great. Thank you! I was recently corrected by my senior pastor. I was really getting to be quite critical of our church and how changes in the church were not moving at “my pace”. I even criticized him personally and with little tact. His response, however, was gracious and redemptive to me. He helped me to see the victories that were being won in our church and helped me understand the true dynamics of what God is doing that he sees everyday (and that I missed). I’m amazed by the way my hostility was received with grace and love - and I knew that I had to change… and I’m learning more to let God change things!
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