37 comments (+ Add)
Tough Conversations 1 (of 4)
Occasionally leaders can be too “polite.” The most effective leaders are willing to have the tough conversations. This week, we’ll discuss…
Confronting
There are basically two ways to handle a problem. You can avoid it and hope it goes away. Or you can confront it.
- If a direct report is continually late and you don’t confront him, the problem is partly your fault.
- If a team member consistently drops the ball, but you never confront her, you are partially responsible for the weakness of the team.
- If your ministry is heading in a dangerous direction and you don’t do anything about it, you are part of the problem.
Suggestions for confrontation:
- Sooner is better than later. The longer you wait, the harder it is to confront.
- Directly is better than through someone else. If I have a problem with something, rather than asking my assistant to confront them, it is better if I do it.
- Accountability is necessary. If the person can’t get the problem solved after one confronting conversation, you may need to bring consequences.
- Love rules. If you are rude, harsh or condescending, everyone loses.
What is your experience with this subject?
Visit 
My experience is that you are right on the money with this one. I would add to the conversation though that before confronting someone, it is a good idea to process whether or not the issue is a real issue or just a matter of your will over that person’s will (i.e., control).
Nevertheless, great stuff, man - thanks!
How right you are about this!!!! This has been one of my biggest struggles in life because it is tough most of the time. (Usually it is pointing out a weakness in others). We must be stronger and learn to CHOOSE BOLDNESS and face issues!!!
I have found that everyone has an opinion about how you should run “YOUR” life (YUCK) and as leaders we are TEACHING people how they CAN treat us!!! Think about it!! If we press on in love and take a firm (yet gentle) stand on issues, we are showing Godly leadership and we will be effective. If we ignore, cringe, gossip, teeter -totter, chameleon (opinions/attitudes), and avoid at all cost…how can we be taken seriously? Thanks Craig… Can’t wait for tomorrow’s word. :)
I’ve always had a knack or curse of saying what others knew but were afraid to verbalize- both as a team member & as leader. What I have discovered is the “tough” questions or solutions are accepted or rejected based on how functional or dysfunctional the organization is. Many churches are dysfunctional because the members live in dysfunctional homes where they ignore problems. So it is easy to ignore at church too.
I learned to confront when I was working in the secular world and had a boss that did not want to deal with the non performers. Since he would not carry that ball, I picked it up but because it was not my responsibility according to the hierarchy chart, I had to learn a different skill set to confront other departments or even peers.
I would agree that sooner is ALWAYS better than later. If I wait until later I find that more of my flesh shows up in the conversation and I just get ticked. Oh, prayer is a pretty good thing to do too before you confront–it is a motive checker.
This week is going hurt. I’m guilty of being “too polite.”
I had a very painful experience with this, I had to fire a long time friend, I had confronted him and several occasions about his lack of productivity, but I was always super nice about it and I never brought any real consequences, until finally I said I’m going have to let you go. This was a year long mess and in hind sight I know I should have handled it differently.
Some of the fall out from that situation was a couple of families left the church and bad mouthed me all over town. I chose not to confront them, but decided let the Lord vindicate me. Over time He has but I’m not sure if that we the right call. When it is right to leave something in God’s hands and not confront?
The manner we go about confrontation is key! I use a method I call a “compliment sandwich”. The first thing I do is find something to lift them up or encourage them. Then, I confront the issue. Then, I lift them up again.
Seems to work for me.
I learned this early on in my career in corrections. The key in my opinion, is “Love Rules.” It’s not personal!
I thought Sam did an excellent job of outlining Love & Leadership when he spoke from, 1 Corinthians 13 at the December Event.
In my last leadership meeting, we discussed some of this topic. We certainly all agreed that you need to address the issue quickly. We also agreed that LOVE wins at the end. Good stuff Pastor Craig.
I am working at creating a culture where “fierce converstaions” can happen and we still have fun and love and plan and function. Seems like staff can feel like confrontation or dealing with an issue is like WATERBOARDING.
I just experienced something like this with a co-worker. It was hard to confront him because we are such good friends, but once I did, (explaining myself without emotion, in a very straightforward way) the problem was solved and now our friendship is even stronger than before!
Thanks for this lesson… it is invaluable!
Sooner is better than later, but I think tomorrow is better than today. My pastor always tells us “Never correct anything on Sunday.” You may be a little emotional still, and you have to consider how confrontation is going to affect ministry.
I’ve also learned to be on that other person’s side. Present the problem and help him/her decide how to take care of it instead of railing about what they did wrong and how they need to change.
Cindy - that is a great way to do it. I’m going to use that next time I need to do that.
I have tended to lean towards the “wait as long as possible” way. There’s a saying, “The longer the agony, the deeper the pain…” This is so true! I don’t regret much in my life, but something I deeply regret is putting off two specific tough conversations in my past. By doing that it caused so much more harm than good.
He he! My experience is nonexistant. :) I dislike confrontation so much that I often avoid it. I do realize, however, that this is preventing me from being the leader I would like to be. Thanks for the suggestions - I don’t mind confrontation as much if I have reasoning for it and guidelines. :)
love rules. yea… when you start thinking about confronting someone - the things that go through my mind are probably all the things i shouldn’t say.
love rules, though. don’t be rude, blake. don’t be harsh. love them.
good advice.
Great post! thanks for all your insights…
I found that my difficulty in dealing with conflict arises when I over-exaggerate the results of the conflict. Usually the anticipation is worse than the event, so I procrastinate and then wish I had responded quicker when the conflict is negotiated without near the drama I expected.
Though an issue may not be a “conflict”, directly seems always to be the better option; particularly within the spirit of Matthew 18.
That said, having to be the one to “define reality” for someone often is not a fun thing to do.
BTW, Craig, I enjoyed Miles this weekend. Hope ya enjoyed an “off” weekend. Though, I suspect you were “on” in plenty of ways…:)
Here’s a story from back in my youth pastor days.
I went into youth ministry when I was 22. I inherited a youth worker who volunteered to assist with the high school ministry. He was quite active in the YMCA and the church helping out with teens. He seemed like a good guy with a good heart. He had a strong reputation in the community and a clean record. Everyone loved him.
Towards the end of my ministry at that church, I felt he was hanging out with my pastor’s son a little too much. I said something to the pastor but he insisted they were like family. The parents even let the teen spend the night at the youth worker’s house. I casually talked to the youth worker about it and he said they had a big brother-little brother relationship.
I let it go thinking I was making something out of nothing. But I had that gut feeling that something wasn’t right but not much to base it on.
Sadly, I was right.
A couple of years after I resigned, that very former youth worker was arrested on child porn charges with photos of local teens. From what I know, none of them were my youth ministry. But when I heard the news, my heart sank. The city was shocked and trust was betrayed.
Do I wish I would have been stronger in confronting that situation? Absolutely. I should have been bolder in my approach to both the parents and the youth worker. In particular, I should have been more direct with him.
I share this with youth leaders when I get the chance. I share this with you all today in hopes that you will confront issues boldly as they show up and not when they blow up.
I totally agree with the need for early confrontation with problems but have a problem with the word polite. I don’t believe that needed confrontation is ever impolite. Proverbs has many examples of times and places that we are to expect confrontation for our actions. (I might have used the word reserved.)
These past few weeks’ series have been great. It’s amazing how every week applies to what is going on at my church. Thanks, Craig.
Great thoughts from you all. Thanks!
John, Glad you enjoyed Miles. I was very proud of him!
It’s amazing how not confronting actually makes life harder with that person and down the road with others.
I’m still learning these truths. Correction is hard for a Type B and I’ve seen a swath of destruction caused by unwise Type A’s.
It has helped me to remember that when confronting and/or correcting a person, they are like a green branch. With wisdom and care they can bend, but with carelessness or anger they snap.
Thanks for pointing out that leaders need to take ownership in the success and failure of subordinate staff. The mentors I most respect have also corrected me properly.
“All Scripture is inspired of God and is profitable for teaching (the easy part) for reproof (the hard part), for correction (the graceful part), and training (the back on track part) in righteousness…” 2 Timothy 3:16
This truth has really helped with authenticity in our staff and leadership. One helpful thing we do is to never delegate relationship. You can delegate responsibility and authority but never a relational issue. And people who are mature usually handle confrontation good. Thanks Craig.
I hate to play this card, however I’ve gone to LC for over 9 years now, and am still committed to it for life, however I’ve found most LC leaders are not willing to tackle the tough questions and usually “dodge” them or don’t follow up. Again, I am sold out to the vision, but feel like many LC leaders are not. Most of us dedicated LC members are faced with tough questions from unsaved and others in the community on a regular basis, simply because of where we attend church (because we do it so differently) how to you go about balancing this out?
Patrick Lencioni talks about this sort of accountability in his book “The Five Temptations of a CEO.” The best part on accountability is the temptation to just keep a record of wrongs - or an account of someone’s failures - and then drop it on them when the list gets to incriminating. He talks how that isn’t accountability, it is really cowardice to address the issue and share responsibility in it as the leader. A good example of real accountability is the story of Gordan McDonald’s track coach from his book “The Resilient Life”. The coach had a training plan for every athlete on the team, taking into account their personal abilities and weaknesses - and had goals for how they should be performing by their fourth year in high school. The coach took responsibility for their performance, as a leader should and made himself a part of the solution and then held the athletes accountable to the plan.
I really like that illustration, even though it means taking a lot more responsibility as a leader - and a lot more work caring and preparing to lead your team.
And my 2 cents to add: Focus on the outcome you want, rather than what they were doing wrong.
Sure, have the tough conversation, point out they are doing things wrong, being an idiot, on probation, made a mistake, etc. But focus the main thrust of the entire conversation not on how they were wrong, but on what they can do better. Focus on what they are expected to do differently.
Too many times I’ve experiences or heard stories of people being told they need to change, but given no direction or assistance or even hint on how to do that. As leaders we need to give that direction.
I have said for a long time that I believe God does some of His best work in the midst of confrontation. As a young leader I have faced confrontational issues more than I would like to admit. I inherited most of them, but others were conceived on my watch as well.
Confrontation for me forces me to my knees. I remember getting sick to my stomach before a confrontational meeting with a youth staff person I had to confront about having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I found that if I am willing to step out and do what I know to be right and what God would have me do, even if that is incredible uncomfortable no painful, God will step in and work through me to make the result of that bad situation good.
One other insight I have seen true about conflict is that when confronting someone the onflict can handled poorly and more conflict and hurt often follow. This even happens when very Godly, well intentioned people do everything they know to do to avoid it. However doing the right thing in the wrong way is still the right thing.
I haven’t yet seen an example where the fallout of a bad confrontation was worse than not confronting the issue at all and allowing the abuse to continue?
I would love to hear differently…
Confrontation can be tough. I naturally do not relish confronting people but I have found that when I have to, God is always there to help me. I have failed on many occasions but through all of them I have learned some things to do when you confront someone. First, pray, pray, pray. Ask God is this you or is it the Holy Spirit telling you to go forward. Two, encourage the person you are confronting. Let them know that you care for them as a person. Third, get to the point. The more you dance around the issue the more awkward it becomes. Separate who that person is from the behavior you wish to confront. And zero in on that negative behavior. That being said, it requires God’s strength and wisdom to confront others, especially for all those (like me) who don’t stand up and cheer every time they have to confront someone :)
I always find that respect is gained when confrontation is needed. Courage is needed to confront. It is fearful for all of us (except those who get off on gut thrashing confrontation…), but like I once heard from Andy Stanley, A leader is defined by courage. Courage demands respect.
[...] Jump to Comments A series on Having Tough Conversations from LifeChurch.tv. Every leader should read this. I think most problems in church could be avoided with open and [...]
Craig, this is right on. I am in the middle of a situation and you are giving me the tools I need to handle this situation, but better yet, become a better leader. Thanks.
Perfect timing on this series of post for me… thanks. Its going to help me a lot in handling some tough situations.
Gerald and Trey, I am glad these posts are making a difference. I’m praying for you both today as you face some challenging situations.
[...] Check out the first post here [...]
There were two times when as leaders we were called for that “tough conversation”…
In one circumstance we were informed of a situation where there was serious sexual sin. We as an entire group (a life group), lovingly confronted, and offered counseling solutions, and support, and consequences…
The couple opted to move and continue “ministry” elsewhere… and were almost offended we felt confrontation was necessary…
In another circumstance, as a leader of evangelists in an an outreach setting, one young lady informed us of a live in boyfriend, and I lovingly confronted her…offered her some assistance (she felt trapped), and poited her towards some godly counseling…
She was grateful for the support, but opted instead to handle it by herself privately, and decided not to participate in ministry anymore…
My experience with confrontation has not been good…and has rather been very heartbreaking for me personally…
I avoid it at all costs… or try to look for early symptoms…and catch it before it grows…
It is good to catch before it grows… (and it will if not caught or confronted)…
The consequences of unchecked issues in both of these cases effected entire the entire ministry in a negative way…and was very heartbreaking for all involved…
I genuinely appreciate the wisdom you shared… it is helpful…
[...] Craig’s Tough Conversations 1 of 4 Craig’s Tough Conversations 2 of 4 Craig’s Tough Conversations 3 of 4 Craig’s Tough Conversations 4 of 4 (coming soon) [...]
[...] this blog, and it’s quickly becoming Craig Groeschel at LifeChurch.tv. This week, it’s a series of posts about dealing with confrontation. Great stuff, [...]