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Give Up To Go Up 4 (of 5)
Family Loss
As your ministry expands, your family will often make significant sacrifices along with you. From those I’ve talked with, these can be some of the more painful losses.
- Your spouse often faces unrealistic expectations from church members. (This can lead to resentment or feelings of inadequacy.)
- Your children are judged differently. (Sometimes the pressure on them feels like it is too much.)
- Your family may grow tired of hearing people speak bad about you. (It may hurt your spouse more than it hurts you when you’re criticized.)
- Your family may lose close friendships. (Rejection and isolation are huge ministry burdens.)
- You could have family members that start to resent the church. (For some, the church becomes the mistress.)
- Your family loses the ability to go to church as a normal family. (Not only can you not enjoy church together easily because of your responsibilities, but knowing the “behind the scenes” junk can be hard on a family.)
- You will sacrifice anonymity in public. (People will always stop you to talk which can be challenging for your kids to understand.)
Which of these have you experienced? What can you add to this list?
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All of the above. Also we are left out from some events too. That hurts my kids.
In an attempt to minister and care for those that are hurting or even far from God, I miss the opportunity to minister and care for my own family.
I find it hard to balance and keep in perspective my job, my ministry, being a Christ follower and being a family man.
Our family has also been challenged with the loss of “normal” weekends. Vacations, days off and planning activities with other families who are off on Saturday and Sunday are very difficult when you have Saturday night experiences and Sunday as well. Simple things like Sunday lunch with friends or family become a challenge when your last Sunday worship experience is over at 1:00 and it is 2:30 before you leave the building.
Our family has been challenged to adjust to this wierd schedule and let it become our “normal”. We are doing it but it is not easy.
Kevin, Ah yes… I forgot about being left out of events. Very true and common. Amy and I laugh because we’ve never been invited to a Superbowl party.
Larry, You touched on a very serious issue. Too many of us struggle with that issue. Don’t give up addressing it!
JK, Great insight. I like the way you call it your “normal.” The ministry schedule may (or may not) be harder than others, but it is different. And different alone can make it hard.
These blogs are very good. They got me thinking allot.
One thing that I have learned is that pastors and leaders of churches have to be very careful in the friendships they build at the church. One thing that I had to learn is that friendships in ministry are very hard and not all last. It is hard to lead friends. For me, my strongest friends are actually people that live in other state and some are pastors and others are not. But they can give me accountability and exhort me.
In the other hand I think that as long as your family does not feel that ministry is above them, then things might go smoother in my opinion. Often, families can be stronger to the critics and the battles in ministry if they stay together. Your first priority is to minister to your family. If they know that, then you have build a foundation that will not be easily broken.
I work for a church and also own a business which both can demand numerous hours. But I made it a point for me to never miss kids activities and make sure we have a full day together. Do not forget the weekly date night with my wife.
One thing we ministers have is that we can still be some what flexible with our schedules.
The other thing I would say is that our kids always need to know that Daddy and Mommy love each other. It is important to not only tell them but show them.
My 2 cents.
As the guy who is on the other end - i.e. the Pastor’s Husband I think I have felt most of these. The one I feel most keenly is the inability to go to church and for it to be church and not just a see of issues.
The one thing I think you have missed is a situation that I have seen a number of times and that is the “kids in the middle” situation. People wanting to get to us doing it through the kids.
I also feel that as a minority there is little understanding of the plight of the Pastor’s Husband.
Balance…Daniel Son!!!(A little Karate Kid for ya!)With such a huge responsibility given, much sacrafice is given. Find joy, balance, and SEEK out peace. Try to sleep at the bottom of the boat like our maker did when the storms come and be intentional about where your time is being invested. Isaiah 58:7 says, “not to turn away from your own flesh and blood.” The enemy wants the family to be placed on the back burner. Seek wisdom from the Word alone. I do have a heavy heart for the leaders and families who are under so much pressure from others to be EVERYTHIG and perfect to all. But, I find joy knowing from his Word that you are truly blessed and God has placed a calling on you to NOT live a “NORMAL” life.( whatever that is :)) Something would be missing if your life was completely normal. Yes, there will be suffering…but as Romans 5 states..you are blessed in this and it will only develop Charater, Perserverence, Hope and Love. By suffering we get to be a little bit more like Jesus! Amen!
Most of the above. This has been a great series! I am sure that Mrs. Mad Church Disease will have some great additions to this post. :-)
Before today I never really thought about all this. I’m really grateful to you and your family for making these kinds of sacrifices for the sake of LifeChurch.
i think the ‘normal’ sunday is what i miss the most - i love the chance to go and visit another church without any strings attached (not there to learn about something or look at a program or method)…been a great series craig - thanks.
I’ve dealt with every one of these at some point as I’m sure every pastor has. But this can be managed. Here’s some boudaries I’ve put in place to keep my family healthy. Hopefully they might help someone esle.
1. My kids don’t live at church. They are there when it’s time to worship and for what ever events they go to, the rest of the time, they live at home.
2. My wife is more important than my ministry. I’ve pushed this boundary like every pastor has, but I get back on track pretty quick because I know I have no ministry without her.
3. I don’t, nor do I allow anyone else, to hold my kids to an unfair standard of behavior. Kids are kids and pastors kids are no different than anyone else’s. My Pastor has led this charge from the stage.
4. If I’m off I do not answer my cell phone unless I know who it is and want to talk to them. It goes to voicemail so I can deteremine whethere I call the person back now, or when I’m back in the office. It allows me to determine what an emergency is not the caller. Once you answer it, your caught.
5. I’ve learned to say “no.” Yes, it sometimes makes people angry, but I’ve never regretted saying no when I knew it was the right answer. On the other hand, I’ve always regret saying yes when I knew I should have said no.
Just a couple of boundaries that have helped save my sanity. I hope some of you have some that will help me do it better.
[...] I deeply appreciate that question and todayam going to have Craig Groeschel answer it… Pray for my family… here’s why. [...]
Craig,
Not because we are friends, but out of sympathy; you and Amy are hereby officially invited to our house for the Superbowl this year. With God’s help it will be Bret Farve going out on top…lol.
I think for me it has been an issue to share with people what I do for a living. I am not ashamed of being a pastor but because I value authenticity more I tend not to share what I do because once people find out they begin to act differently toward and around me. I guess that goes to not being able to trust people to be themselves because they may be trying to impress us or something. So relationships have to be worked on much more than for someone who is not in pastoral ministry.
Jose, Jennn, and John, Thanks for your valuable insight!
Graham, You raised some important things. You are so right about people trying to use your kids. My older ones can pick up on this at times.
Also, it would be great if you’d write more about the challenges of being a husband to someone in ministry. You could help a lot of people by sharing what you’ve learned.
Joe, I can totally relate. You can be having a great conversation with someone you just met. Often when they discover you’re a pastor, the whole tone changes.
Nick, These sacrifices are embarrassingly small compared to the “real” sacrifices people make. Thanks for caring!
Andrew, See you some Sunday in January! :)
I don’t know if I actually lost friendships…but I thought I would have some of my closest friends jump on board with us as we started the church. They didn’t…it was a bummer but I look at it as not meant to be.
Living life in a fish bowl is tough too. Many pastors are scrutinized in every detail.
The hardest thing that I am dealing with is the loss of friends. It makes you very wary about who really wants to be your friend, and who just wants something from you and will walk when something better comes along. It’s a painful lesson to learn.
Chris,
That is so true. Unfortunately, just recently I have experienced that. A guy who I led to the Lord, baptized, counseled, did his wedding, and even gave him my old set of golf clubs turned on my wife and I over a business deal he set up. We really thought we were friends with him and his wife but man did they turn fast. That has happened with other people too. Very frustrating.
Man, all of these hit home. A friend of mine once told me to filter what I tell my wife for her protection. What are your thoughts?
p.s. I grow from your leadership!
Staff/Team become like family to your kids then, due to an undisclosed “sin”, they are suddenly removed or gone and your kids lose an “uncle/aunt” and are too young to understand.
This can cause them to become calloused or cynical.
I have tried very hard to protect my family from these things, but it happens. It is frustrated when extended family leaves you out because “you’re too busy” like those Sunday events. What about people who really want to be close, just for inside information, or to tell others they “were out with the pastor and his family.” I am finding it hard to have relationships. I live on a main drag, and people comment on my yard, house, who was in my driveway, saw me mowing why don’t I own a John Deere, and that kind of stuff.
Overall, it is our “lot” in life. We have been blessed and I receive all of that and attempt to live in balance, please my Father, and then ministering and protecting my family.
Growing up as a preacher’s kid (PK) I’ve experienced all these things. One of the hardest things that I experienced after moving away from my fathers church, in which he was the pastor of, was signing up just to volunteer at LifeChurch. I loved LifeChurch so much but had been burned by the “behind the scenes politics” so badly that I was afraid by volunteering I would be opening myself back up to a world within the church that I didn’t want to have to deal with again.
It hurt so much hearing people criticize my father as I grew up. I’ve learned to let God heal my heart. I still have a lot that I need to let go of and hand over to God.
My biggest concern is that I hope my parents are still being spiritually fed. They have quietly and I believe unintentionally built walls to protect their own hearts. I pray that when my father retires that he and my mom will be able to attend a church that will let their hearts heal.
Side note: At one point when I couldn’t deal with it anymore I left the church completely. At the time I didn’t understand the spiritual battle that I had inside me or realize how much I needed God’s healing. But I gave church one more shot when my parents asked me to go to this church with them called LifeChurch. They thought I might like it : )… and of course they were right.
God is good!
Chris, Man, I feel for you. Losing friendships is one of the hardest things. I understand what you are going through.
I pray God continues to bless your ministry.
Brad, You asked about protecting your wife… I’m going to try to remember to devote some time on the blog to deal with your question.
Nate, I hear you and feel for you.
Carl, Thank you for sharing part of your story. I pray your healing continues. God bless you and your family.
I think I asked this on facebook.
I’m interested to hear what those of you who are in the ministry seat do to keep your family a family.
I don’t think I have to mention some of the recent marriages of well known ministers or teachers that have hit the media lately.
Having not been in ‘the seat’ as a pastor or leader I haven’t had to figure this out but I do believe one day I will be in that seat as God brings it about and would like to have some foundation in place.
I’d hate for the church to destroy the family.