Guest Blog: Anna Meadows
The Pastor Treatment
We’ve all experienced it before. Especially if you work in full-time ministry. But even if you’re not in full-time ministry, you’re bound to encounter it at least once every day. I’m not sure what to call it, but it most definitely deserves a name of sorts.
It’s that awkward moment when you’re engaged in conversation and you start having these thoughts:
“How am I going to end this conversation?”
“I have so much stuff to do. This is taking too long!”
“How do I move on gracefully without making this person think I don’t care?”
We become distracted and disengaged, and we stop hearing what the person is saying, even though we look like we’re listening.
I’ve heard people call it the “pastor treatment.” That quick, “Hi, how are ya?” or “How are you doing?” without waiting for the person to give a sincere reply. We move on to the next person because the honest truth is we don’t have enough time for an extended conversation with all our people.
I’ve observed with amazement some pastors’ interpersonal skills as they deal with this undefined phenomenon, and I sincerely try to learn from their tact. I’ve also seen it done with an awkwardness that left me embarrassed for both parties.
So where’s the balance? If we did talk to every person without a strategy for some kind of timely exit, we’d never get anything done. On the other hand, people are our jobs. Talking, ministering, and counseling is what we’re called to do.
What have you discovered in dealing with this unnamed phenomenon? How do you deal with the balance to always be present in conversation and yet make sure the other priorities are accomplished? Can you do it without making the person you’re talking to feel discredited?
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Anna - You raise an excellent point. I have found myself in very similar situations. There is a balance between the person that I happen to see in the hallway and the person, meeting or task that may be next in my mind. I do not think there is an easy way to discern when how to set a priority.
When I do know that I need to end a conversation, often I will say - “I am sorry, I have an appointment.”
Wow! 1/2 of Anna Meadows blogging again!!!
My wife and I call it “Pastor Mode”. If the conversation goes much past the greeeting, it is easy to tell that they are not really engaged with you. It is even more noticeable in a roomful of people.
Great post! I’m guilty, guilty, guilty here!
Even this past Sunday morning I was a bit concerned because one of our church members blocked me as I was headed up to start the 2nd service, and lovingly, (slowly) said “hey, Fred … I need to talk to you … I need some help with ….”.
I had to interrupt and say “sure, I’d love to talk, but unfortunately it has to be like 20 seconds because I have to start this service upstairs in less than 2 minutes”.
He was gracious and spit out his request … I was uncomfortable because I hated to rush him … and even more, it was my PASTOR’S DAD!
I tend to be a bit “ADD”, and because of my own tendency to pile more on than I’m supposed to do, I SELDOM HAVE FREE TIME and find myself blowing people off … many times, without even realizing it. That inner voice in my head that says “you need to do this, you need to say this, you need to go here” tends to be so much LOUDER than the voice of the person standing right in front of me.
Yep, gets me in trouble with my wife, too!
I look forward to seeing these responses .. hopefully I can learn to become a better listener, have a positive but tactful exit strategy, and in doing so, become a better person!
Thanks,
For the Kingdom,
Fred McKinnon
I learn as many names as I can! I know that’s hard for some but after meeting someone at church or the store, I picture his/her face in my mind and say their name all the way home. IT WORKS! Then, when I see that person again or someone else I don’t really know well and don’t really have a lot of time to spend talking to, I say, “Hey Jenny, it’s so good to see you!” That way, I have validated her existence and she knows I am pleased to see her. People want to be known…and I didn’t even ask her how she was doing.
For those people you know better and when time REALLY allows, I have a “How are things going” conversation with them. My thought on these is that I don’t ask someone how they are doing if I don’t have time to talk. Consider an alternative phrase. That’s what I do.
When John Maxwell pastored his church, he used to do about 100 1-minute prayers in his lobby/foyer each Sunday. He might be the best person to ask about “slipping away” from a conversation
In my opinion,
I think it’s a responsibility of the person in need to understand that a pastor’s time can quickly become scarce, so act accordingly.
As far as the person whose time is in high demand, either gracefully defer the conversation to a later scheduled time, or refer him/her to somebody else to minister to a person in need. Communicate genuine concern in either situation.
I suppose this is why many churches have deacons and elders.
excellent post. where’s your regular blog, anna?
I’m a people watcher and I listen and have been blessed to see with spiritual eyes. I think, at some point, a congregation has to be sensitive to the needs and time of their pastors. I’ve heard people go on about how they pray so diligently for pastor so and so and then try to corner them for a full blown confession on the way out after Sunday’s sermon. I make appointments if I really need any amount of time. What I really love about the Senior Pastor at Lifecentre is his openness and honesty about the time he has. Do people get offended? I know for sure some do. But even Jesus got up and left to take care of his needs, often retreating to lonely places. I guess the trick is to give people the opportunity to be offended if they are unhealthy and pray that this will be revealed to them. God bless all pastors who feel stretched and unappreciated no matter what they do.
Since I am a pastor of a small church and the only staff person I find myself with the opposite problem of sometimes having too much time by myself. In both our situations I think that we need to focus on people more than on our tasks that we have before us. As I read through the scriptures the work that needed to be done took a secondary position to relationships with people. I have found that I will allow myself enough time to get my tasks on my to do list done, but the people that I minister to need my time, attention and presence in their lives.
I think the pastors who make people a priority are the pastors that will have successful churches.
Craig told a story about how he remembered a young lady’s name who was on the verge of killing herself and how him doing that, she felt like God was saying her name, and she received Christ.
Tommy Barnett stands in the foyer after every service until every person is out of the foyer, and he has a church of thousands.
When I talked to Tommy Barnett after service one time, he took time to genuinely talk to me, and not give me the treatment of “okay, this is just another hand to shake.” It was absolutely incredible…
Terrific thoughts as always, Anna! I heard Rob Bell mention the “Interruption Ministry” of Jesus. He broke down how some of Jesus’ most amazing miracles occurred when He was “interrupted” on His way to someplace. From a practical standpoint, I’ve heard the advice to deliberately schedule a large, “sliding window” in your daily schedule, rather than trying to fill your entire daily calendar. Then when the inevitable interruption or sidebar occurs, you simply “slide” everything over, and subtract the time it took from the “window.” I try—usually poorly—to do this. Where it gets sticky is impossible-to-reschedule meetings.
I am both guilty as well as a victim of this “phenomenon.” I’m sure we all are. I think for most part, people forget that Sundays (or anytime your particular church is having a service) that the pastors are W-O-R-K-I-N-G. I’m sure they would be annoyed if their pastor showed up unnanounced or unexpectantly at their job and wanted their undivided attention while they were trying to get their work accomplished. I try to remember this each weekend whenever I see our executive pastors or campus pastors. If I need their undivided attention, I’ll invite them to dinner or breakfast. Otherwise, I’ll say a quick “Hi!” and let them get on with their ministry.
I have a 2 minute rule. During the heat of the weekend when there are so many amazing people I want to see and visit with, I have to limit the conversations somehow. Some interactions end quickly with the knod, smile and “It is so good to see you!” (with sincerity). Other interactions go from eye contact to the immediate recognition that this person needs to engage. I try to meet that need, knowing that I have a time limit. After about one minute, I’ll say, “We need to spend more time together talking about this when I can give you the attention that this deserves. Can we have coffee on Monday or Tuesday?” This person feels valued and I don’t feel embarrassed or frustrated with myself for “blowing them off”.
As somebody who seeks out the time of pastors and leaders, I am gracious for their time.
If I do catch them passing by and we do strike up a conversation, I try to read them as best as possible. If they get antsy then I reply with “I don’t want to take up any more of your time but can I schedule an appointment with you?”. Either that or “I gotta run and meet somebody, can I email you later?”
I don’t want the pastor or leader trying to figure out how to get out of the conversation when I am the one who needs to chat with them and I can direct the conversation as needed.
The thing about it is, I really want to get into ministries that allows me to become more and more invested into other people’s lives.
Odd.
Anna,
Great post! Now, what’s the strategy for handling “close talkers?”
Thanks for the comments, guys… this is an odd thing I’ve had to deal with since getting into ministry.
Joe-you’re right it does seem odd to be in ministry for the people but realize your people interaction reduces in quality yet increases in quantity… Thank you for being one of the great people that understand about a pastors’ time…
Allyson- You are one of the BEST at this tact. (I think it’s because you are so genuin) Honestly, when I said I’ve watched other pastors you were one I had in mind…
Fred–I’m sorry about your awkward moment… hopefully you were able to follow up with your pastor’s dad… and I hope you’ve learned a little from everyone’s feedback…
Cindy–you are so right! People want to be known! Names are so important… remembering names and not being afraid of using them is something I’m getting better at…
Chris-Close talkers… ah, yes… that’s a whole other blog my friend… until next time…
The best thing that has worked for me in this situation is to always leave with a look to the future… “Keep me updated on that,” or “I want to know how that goes,” this tells them you’re transitioning out of the convo. without making them feel like you don’t care…
All those people with needs. I imagine it can get bothersome. Shouldn’t they get them met in their small group worship? I’ve been on the other side of this. People who ask me how I’m doing when they don’t really want to know. I’ve taken to laughing the question off with “it’s complicated.” Keep the investment light, I always say. Time is a cruel master.
On a really large scale (like senior pastors of really big churches) the fact is that they can no longer always be the one to meet everyone’s personal needs by meeting with people during the week or talking more than the “two minutes” on the weekend.
Even though Craig does make himself available in the lobby when he preaches live, I’ve heard him share what he once told a guy who asked to meet with him during the week. Something like: “The very reason you want to meet with me is because I speak into your life spiritually each week. If I allowed my schedule to fill up with personal meetings, I wouldn’t be prepared to speak into your life next week.” He then helped hook him up with his campus pastoral staff (who in turn probably helped him find a LifeGroup).
I don’t mean to speak for Craig or anything, I just thought that was a tactful way to help people understand that there are lots of other people who can lead them spiritually than always seeking out the one they see on stage.
People will tend to wait, right before service starts. I am available all week to talk. Its like on High School Musical, “I got to get my head in the game.” I tell them to wait till after service or give me a call during the week.