Mentoring (2 of 5)
Finding a Mentor
How do you find a mentor? I’d suggest you look in front of you.
- If you’re on staff at a church, look for someone with more wisdom and experience to learn from.
- If you’re an entrepreneur, ask yourself who you know that’s successful (and not just financially, but spiritually and relationally).
- If you’re a public figure, seek someone who is very visible, yet copes well.
If you’re wondering what characteristics to look for in a mentor, I’d suggest:
- Someone who has more experience than you in your desired field.
- Someone who cares about your development.
- Someone who knows more than you. (Notice I didn’t say they have to be “better” than you or have bigger ministries or businesses than you. They do not. In sports, one of my best coaches couldn’t play as well as I could. Some of my best ministry mentors have smaller churches, but infinitely more knowledge and experience.)
- Someone who will be honest with you.
If you approach someone you admire and say, “Will you mentor me?” You’ll likely catch them “off guard.” Chances are good they will hesitate, fearful that they won’t know what to do or afraid it will take too much time.
When searching for a mentor, you may not even use the word “mentorship.” If it feels more natural, you might say something like, “Could I buy your lunch once a month and just ask you questions?”
Be sure you explain what you admire in the person, and express your sincere desire to learn from them.
Note: if you think you know it all, save everyone the trouble—don’t look for a mentor until you grow up.
The person you’d like to learn from might be very busy. I’d suggest finding ways to serve that person. I’ve had lots of people ask to meet with me to learn from me. No one has ever asked to come to my house and help me rake leaves. If someone asked that, we could spend several hours together. Serve those you want to learn from.
Can others of you share how you’ve found effective mentors?
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I like the suggestion about trying to serve the potential mentor. I’ve found that some of the “best” times with my mentors and mentees are when we are doing life - ministry projects, serving, running errands. It is the unplanned conversations where I learn and grow the most. Thanks for the reminder about “serving those you want to learn from.”
Craig, I missed getting to meet you at Buzz. Your books, blog and conference sessions have already mentored me in many ways. Maybe I could come rake some leaves when I travel from NC to TX in a couple of months.
I also really like the suggestion of trying to serve your potential mentor. I would also encourage people to still ask even if you think that person is really busy. The old adage is true - you want something done, ask a busy person.
Craig,
I just kept asking. I had one of my new mentors explain to me that a person needs multiple mentors. He says that I mentor him sometimes and he has asked for my advice. I just keep asking questions and ask for help that is how I found mentors.
Craig - Thanks for the continuing posts about mentoring. I particularly resonate with the reminder to find someone that will be honest with you. I think that this is a critical part to mentoring relationships and also for our relationships as Christians. Speaking the truth in love can be a hard thing, but sometimes it is the best thing to be heard or said in many situations.
Ken, Sorry I didn’t get to meet you at Buzz. If you’re in Oklahoma in the Fall, I’ll take you up on your leaf offer!
Tony, Kevin, Tim, and Andrew, Thanks for your comments!
I never had to look. I was just sitting in class reading my Bible during a teaching break and the guy sitting next to me asked me to join him for lunch. That was three years ago, and we still meet about each week.
Point being, some times God will bring a mentor to you. He knows your needs, and He knows how to keep you in His peace and truth, and through whom that will happen.
Don’t rule out this possibility simply because you have your mind set on somebody else. He/she may not be the best one to mentor you.
Can a mentor also be your accountability partner? I really enjoy reading swerve. Thank you so much!!
Note: if you think you know it all, save everyone the trouble—don’t look for a mentor until you grow up.
Serve those you want to learn from.
Craig, I appreciate these posts, especially the 2 strong/excellent comments above, thanks! For me in my secular job I work closely with several great people 10 to 15 years older than myself. Thay have alot of experience in life that I can learn and grow from. Just being with them, listening, asking questions, and doing life together on a daily basis allows me to learn and be mentored even though it is not something I have asked for, but it is there for the taking. I think mentors are often in front of us and with us but we don’t realize it or have the right attitude.
I agree with Kevin and Andrew. From personal experience, I have found that there are different areas of my life/work in which I seek different mentors.
If they are not being honest with you, they are not mentoring you.
A good mentor is hard to find, and they seem to be in short supply here in the Northeast, the funny thing is the person I get a lot of mentoring from is someone I help get started in ministry. I gave him his start and poured into him for nine months and then he set out to start a church. I continue to offer him any wisdom I have, but now he is pouring back into me. By planting a church he has made contacts and built relationships and has gained wisdom and knowledge and he shares it and I believe God will continue to bless because of that. (Josh Gagnon, Next Level Church NH, plug, plug) We can never be to proud to learn from anyone and we should never become like the Dead Sea, taking in, but never giving out, Whatever wisdom, knowledge, and experience we have should flow through us to those around us, we try to do it with our congregations, but it seems some pastors/business people are afraid if they share their wisdom, knowledge, and experience the one they are investing in may grow larger and more successful. I used to be insecure like that, but God showed we are building His Kingdom, not mine. It thrills my heart that my boy Josh has a church that is some Sundays (lately most Sundays) larger than mine. Jesus said, “Freely you have received, freely give.” And Craig living in NH I know what it means to rake leaves and I would love to give you a hand. Some of the best mentoring times I have had (giving & receiving) have not been around a table, but with tools in hand working on a project.
Thanks Craig for being a mentor from afar, God bless.
Thanks for this…time is usually a factor in both developing these relationships (which has been a difficult thing for me…as i think the longest i’ve ever lived in one place has been four years, back in kansas city)…but also the mentor’s time. Serving your mentor is great advice.
A lot of what Titus says about older men and women teaching younger men and women I somehow pulled out of context in that it was the older peoples’ responsibility to seek out and mentor the younger people…after re-reading this recently, I realize that is not the case.
However, I think what Paul is saying to Titus is that it’s the Church’s responsibility to teach and equip those who are possible mentors, and encourage them to continue to set good examples and teach accordingly. (*I am not a Bible Scholar & therefore could be completely off base)
Something that Clif just mentioned above….
With the web the way it is today, can mentoring relationships be established online?
I remember once I asked Pastor Mark Altrogge to download part of only one of his scripture memory songs from the net. What he did was he asked for my address and sent me, totally for free, the whole collection of the memory scripture songs. It was worth about 250 dollars I suppose. A lot of money for me. And I didn’t pay a cent.
I wrote to Pastor Mark and said, among other things, “Thank you for being a pastor to me!”
So it seems you don’t have to seek for a mentor per se; you don’t have to use the name ‘mentor’ itself either. Still you can be taught a great lesson.
I fully subscribe to what Clif says “Thanks Craig for being a mentor from afar.”
You may not know Craig, but I also received a free unexpected gift from LifeChurch. Thanks for great lessons.
Marcin, I’m so glad the blog is blessing you.
Cliff, Thanks for offering your NH leaf expertise!
Anne asked, “With the web the way it is today, can mentoring relationships be established online?”
I would say a big YES! How would you all respond? Do you have examples?
Bryon asked if an accountability partner can be a mentor? What advice do you all have for him?
Access is a big deal, Craig is busy guy and only has so much time to give, but through this blog we all benefit from his wisdom and experience. The fact that some of us live in remote parts of the country (& world) and don’t have access to a lot of great leaders near by makes the web a huge tool. Craig is gracious enough to respond to our posts, how many of us would be able to have that conversation otherwise?
I’m sure we are all influenced and shaped by the writings and teachings of other people. How many of us have read or listen to John Maxwell and had our leadership skills developed even though we don’t have his cell number or never sat down with him for a cup of coffee? Guys like Craig, Ed Young, Andy Stanley, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, etc all love pastors but know that they can’t sit down with all of us, so through the tools of books, podcast, DVD’s, conferences they seek to “mentor” and encourage us as we build God’s Kingdom together.
Every once in awhile we are blessed to be connected closely with some of these guys and able to sit at their feet, but most of the time it is from a distance. And though face time is nice, the ability to have access via the web or a book or whatever will work too.
More on Mentoring (#2)
Craig Groeschel is continuing his excellent series on mentoring… check it out! He writes: If you approach someone you admire and say, “Will you mentor me?â€? You’ll likely catch them “off guard.â€? Chances are good they will hesitate, fearful t…
“With the web the way it is today, can mentoring relationships be established online?�
— I would say that they can, but I wouldn’t recommend it over face-to-face mentoring. Of course, this would be a viable option for the guy living in a cabin in the middle of Alaska all by himself with a web connection.
“Can an accountability partner be a mentor?”
— The first question I’d ask myself is “do I want someone who’s supposed to be teaching me and guiding me to depend on me to help him through his weaknesses?” If you can honestly answer “yes” to that, then it’s quite possible.
But it’s important to remember that a student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master.
Craig,
Can I come over to your house and help you rake leaves? Thanks for your insight and inspiration!
I’m not so sure about a web-based mentor. Certainly there are web-based teachers, but is that a mentor? I’m not so sure. I don’t think mentoring is all about teaching and meeting and talking (although that’s definitely involved). I think mentoring is more about letting someone else see your life. If I’m having a bad day or I’m mad at someone, THAT’S PRECISELY THE TIME that I want those who I mentor to be around me. I want them to see how I handle my anger or frustration (and if I blow it - they’ll see me blow it and they’ll see me fix it).
When Jesus mentored the 12 he did not spend all day saying a bunch of “You’re blessed if’s….” and “The Kingdom of God is like’s…” Certainly there were a lot of times when they were just sitting around a table and Jesus said, “Hey Pete, pass me the ketchup.” Mentoring relationships need plenty of “pass the ketchup” moments . . . I’m not sure how effective an online mentor would be at this.
Adam, I appreciate your thoughts about “on-line” mentoring. Have any of you had successful on-line mentoring?
I’m not sure if I’d call in successful online mentoring (you’d have to ask them!), but there are a few girls I have kept relationships with over the last year or so who I met because they had read my blog or an article. Two of these girls are younger than me and have really gone through some heavy stuff and those two I have not yet met, but one lady who is older than me, I have finally met (she lives in Dallas, but we started “talking” when I lived in KC a year and a half ago).
Interestingly enough, the one who is in Dallas is more of my “girl who is married” mentor than the other way around. She is awesome and even though we don’t get to spend a lot of time together, I appreciate the wisdom she has contributed in my life (both before and after meeting in real life.
Sometimes it’s really easy to pop on iChat and ask how someone is doing or call them or have them call me. I think it’s about making time for these girls (which I will admit I suck at most of the time) and praying for them, and for wisdom in how to best help them with the issues with which they are struggling.
I hope that one day I’ll be able to meet these other two girls…and until then I can rest in the fact that maybe just maybe the Spirit is doing something that transcends geographical boundaries. :)
Hi, Craig,
Thanks for this discussion. I had a fellow that mentored me at a distance for two years, and it completely changed my life. He wasn’t even a pastor, but was an incredible leader. We met through a mutual friend, and he began speaking into my life.
We used to spend one hour on the phone each week discussing inner life issues and church situations that would arise. I learned more from him in those two years than I did in the four years of Bible College. And although I was in Alabama and he was in Florida, he and I became very close and dear friends.
He walked me through some incredibly difficult periods of my early years in the pastorate, and he taught me how to identify what is most important in my life and focus upon those things.
If mentoring is possible in this format, then I believe it is possible in an online venue, as well.
Also, Craig, you have mentored me over the past six months by providing your messages and notes online. I have been seeking to refine my preaching style, and by watching your messages and preaching from your notes every so often over the past few months, I have learned to structure my messages more effectively. Through your example, I have grown as a communicator. So, thank you for the influence you have had on my life this year.
I’m looking forward to seeing you at Catalyst in October!
Anne, I’d argue all day long that you’re mentoring people at your blog!
Chad, Thanks for expressing how the messages and notes are helping you as a preacher. That’s GREAT news! Hope to see up close at Catalyst.
When I first starting going to the church that I belong too, I attached to my first mentor. I absolutely love this woman! But I learned over the years it was a very unhealthy relatonship spiritually. Why? because I did everything to please her. She left a few years ago and we keep track of each other, but it wasn’t like it was. BUT…..
God had other plans, He made me work for the very first time without a mentor. Now, I have a HEALTHY support group of people who genuinally know that I am not perfect, but side by side we serve and exalt Him for it. This was a huge struggle to come from man pleasing to God pleasing.
But.. every once awhile I hear in the back of my head, my mentor’s voice, “sit up straight and tie your shoes, you can’t be a slob for Jesus.”
[...] craig over at lifechurch.tv’s swerve blog has been talking about mentoring. yesterday in the comments, we started discussing if mentoring can occur online. what do you think? [...]
[...] Great post as a part of a series on mentoring at swerve. Mentoring (2 of 5) focuses on how to find a mentor and characteristics of an effective mentor. [...]
Great post Craig!
The “online cafe” (if you will) is just a good a place as any to do this. In fact, the pool of people to connect with is way more massive. Where I live, I have limited mentors in my field (even in the stuff I struggle with) - whereas online the possibilities are unlimited - I can connect with people all over the world potentially.
Adam - I agree that some (maybe the best) mentoring is about that bond you can only get in personal connection with someone… But are all mentoring relationships meant to be that tied together?
My question is this:
Is online a “safe” enough place to mentor people? Would people risk themselves enough to be mentored?
Craig - I’ve had several online mentors which I have greatly been inspired by, gleaned from, and modeled some of my life after. But I wouldn’t characterize any of them as a “relationship”. They probably don’t even realize that they were acting as my mentor. Does that seem strange to you? How important is that “relationship” aspect in mentoring?
D Rho, You’ve raised a good question about the relational end of mentoring online. Obviously, face to face conversations have benefits over other forms of communication.
I’m a believer in the value of online relationships. When I wrote my first book, Chazown, Brian Smith was my editor. Even though we didn’t talk “in person,” he taught me a ton about writing. After doing three books together, I’d definitely call him my writing mentor. He told me I’m one of his best friends. We definitely have a real friendship… all online.
I definitely agree with online mentoring - with today’s technology, it’s greatly useful, at least in the gaming community where we had discipleship groups, events etc. all online, much like lifechurch’s online services and lifegroups.
I’ve also had a great mentor(also a gamer) who’s well ahead in life help me out and spend time with me in crisis online, and over the phone (through skype).
God Bless ‘_^
I met a few years ago with a great mentor and always tried to stick to the following: 1)I always made sure we met at a time that was convenient for him; 2) I always paid for the meal if we met over lunch; 3) I always came ready with a few questions that spoke to an area that I felt I need input on
Great point about serving mentors! I never thought about it that way! It’s kind of like our work softball team…you have to pay $10 to buy your shirt. Sure the office can afford the shirt, but if you have some of your own skin invested in the team (your $10), you are more likely to stay committed.