Years ago, Josh McDowell said rules without relationship leads to rebellion. That was for parent-child relationships. But it still sticks. Proverbs says it this way: faithful are the wounds of a friend. The trust factor is stronger when a good relationship is developed.

Trust comes on the backside of criticism as well. When you have one of the feedback sessions with someone else, whenever that person makes the course correction, and improvement takes place (and you don’t have to say “I told you so), trust is built. That person then understands that you do indeed have his/her best interest in mind.

Joe, yes, my staff feels the freedom - and they exercise it quite often!- to confront me on issues they have with me. I appreciate their words and tell them so. I then work very hard to better myself. I, too, have been in a work environment where it was not acceptable to question/critique those above me - VERY frustrating. I don’t want my staff to feel the way I felt then. Thanks for taking the time to respond - I really appreciate it.

J.G., your third paragraph was very helpful and insightful. Thanks!

Steve, thanks for your points and your story.

How do you lead from a non-leadership position? I’m 23 years old and a layperson in my church who is frustrated at the lack of creativity in proclaiming the greatest message on earth in our church. How do you overcome the view that many older, more “mature” Christians take of a person my age in order to initiate some progressiveness in the church?

A few thoughts:

If I feel secure others will be affected by my security. They will become more secure themselves.

If I trust, others will be affected by my trust. They will become more trusting themselves.

If I am honest about my mistakes and weaknesses others will be affected by my trust. They will become more honest about their mistakes. They will either acknowledge them more easily or accept them more easily when they are pointed out to them.

I am a teacher of phonetics and I rememeber that when I started to be honest about MY own pron mistakes or lack of knowledge in front of my students I became more peaceful in class and I found it easier to be honest about THEIR mistakes. They (my students) don’t seem to have big problems with my corrections.

Maybe it works the same (similar) way with being an honest leader. I don’t know. I’m not a leader (maybe in my family) but I’d like to be one.

When giving feedback I’ve noticed, especially at writing workshops, conferences or editorial revisions, that most individuals excel at the ‘criticism’ part but leave the ‘constructive’ part rather wanting. This is not unusual since we normally only feel that the inadequate things need to be addressed and not the things that they did right…after all, why talk about what they did that worked, I mean, it worked.

But most individuals need affirmation to a certain extent to hear that though they are making mistakes or that things aren’t working, the effort was appreciated and some things had take-away value. But they also need to hear why the things did not work and what they can tangibly do to change.

So basically, if you can list a couple of things that you did like or at least thought had potential–and then listed the things you did not like (here’s the important part) and WHY you did not like them or HOW they might be altered to better succeed, the individual will almost always be not only open but grateful for the feedback.

I hope this is helpful.

I’ve served in situations where as a staff person I better not confront the Senior Pastor with any issue about his leadership, character or problems or be critical in any way (Because he’s “THE PASTOR”). Yet they, being the Senior Leader, could confront anyone with their issues willingly.

Until a staff person knows that you are eager and willing to accept criticism from those you serve with, they are not going to willingly accept your criticism of them.

I have utilized this approach in my own staff, and it makes a huge difference.

Secondly, remember that we are not “confronting a person.” We are “addressing an issue.” We must be able to separate a person’s value from his/her performace, and that distinction must be clear in how we communicate with that person.

Third, when you are giving criticism or correction, SMILE! Don’t yell or belittle. Remember that you are on the same team, and let your love for the person be demonstrated in your demeanor.

I hope that helps!

Craig’s swamped today, so I’m helping him respond.

Does anyone have any insight for Kyle?

Thanks,
Sarah
Craig’s Assistant

Craig,

Can you share how you handled the backlash from a staffer who didn’t necessarily appreciate your honesty? More often than not, I’ve been accused of being mean, when all I was being was honest. Needless to say, it has caused me to become somewhat gunshy or insecure about being honest with someone for whom I am responsible to lead. I don’t want to become paralyzed by hesitation. I would rather be Fearless.

Great post, that sums it up. I have seen many church leaders who are insecure. That is always a huge problem. It limits you and those around you.

Trust is a huge issue also. I have realized and counseled that Trust along with Loyalty are things that are “earned” and must be nurtured. They should not be “expected.” I’ve known far too many pastors who feel they should be trusted and people/staff should be loyal to them just because of the position they hold.

Trust is like “friendship.” In order to have friends you must be friendly. In order to gain Trust, you must not only be “Trustworty,” but you also must be “Trusting” of others first.

Don’t you think a few wins under your belt helps win people’s trust? I’m in a different situation, but Funerals have actually helped me connect with some of our leaders. Sounds morbid but when I reached out to our leaders in a crisis they trust me more.

All of our staff have given each other permission to make suggestions on everything we do. That has been one of the most important things with our creativity, our outreach, our worship, etc.

I remember what Harry Truman said. Maybe it wasn’t about trust, but I think it’s applicable here. “It’s amazing what a team can accomplish when no one cares who gets the credit.”

Of course, “you stink” may be a little too blunt but on the plus side, it’s never misunderstood.

I believe that if God guided you to serve your congregation, God gives TRUST for both parties.

Blessings,
Zoltan
http://www.RespiroMedia.com